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- The internet is mocking Robert Mueller’s report deadline Friday 7:53 PM
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In our new Craigslist sex column, July 4 gets off with a bang.
The Casual Encounters section of Craigslist is the internet’s own wild swinger’s club.
No matter what city is hosting the party, the ads that pepper Casual Encounters range from blunt (variations on “suck my dick” abound) to fetish-oriented (more foot worship than you ever thought possible) to just plain weird (“Naughty Mickey Mouse seeks Minnie to party in snow“). There they are, day after day, hundreds of lines tossed out by the sexual fishermen of the world—just hoping for a bite.
It’s no secret that holidays tend to ramp up the sex drive: Whether it’s the festive atmosphere or the increased loneliness felt by those who may lack a special someone to celebrate with, holidays make people flood the internet looking for sex. On Father’s Day, twinks take advantage of the holiday by looking for Daddies. On Mother’s Day, men with heightened oral skills offer to appreciate local MILFs. On Christmas, people get into elf sex.
Sometimes it doesn’t even take a holiday to get people posting event-specific, horny ads. During January’s Winter Storm Jonas—which blasted the East Coast with freezing winds and dumped bucketloads of snow and ice that trapped people in their homes—the Casual Encounters section was alive with calls for snowed-in sex parties. One joker even took liberties with the situation, seeking a straight male for a “discreet shovel-and-go” fantasy that would actually just be a guy shoveling his walkway for free.
The ads on Casual Encounters are so relentlessly entertaining that we’ve decided to turn them into a regular column. In Close Encounters of the Casual Kind (yes, that’s a nerdy reference to a sci-fi film), we’ll sift through the muck of people’s sexual obsessions and bring you the most delightful posts—all themed around special events and holidays. Whether there’s a Super Bowl in town or a hurricane headed your way, we have a feeling that people’s sex lives are about to get even freakier than usual.
In this edition of Close Encounters, we combed through a bunch of American cities to find out what independence, apple pie, and fireworks did for the sexual appetites of the nation’s populace.
In fact, the thought of exploding bits of gunpowder seemed to turn a lot of people on. The majority of Fourth of July-related sex ads referenced fireworks right in the title. And no, they weren’t subtle: one W4W who mentioned “staying with family” in Denton, Texas, offered to go down on a lady friend and set off “Fireworks on Your Clit,” as the headline read. One self-described athletic young man in Las Vegas was kind enough to make himself available to “Ladies who wants to play with my BIG Roman Candle,” while over in St. Louis, a man sought some hot gay action through a gloryhole in “a sheet hanging off my garage,” hoping a “younger fit stud” would “shoot your fireworks off in my mouth.” Not to be a prude, but that does sound dangerous.
Hundreds of Craigslist users in various cities had the same somewhat boring idea for a headline, with countless variations on “let’s make our own fireworks” peppering each city’s Casual Encounters section. Sometimes, it only takes a slight twist or a special word to spice up an old classic: favorites include Columbus, Georgia’s “Your cock my bitch holes, show me your fireworks,” an academic Berkeley resident’s treatise on “Making our own fireworks with the casual intimacy of molly,” and one Pittsburgh guy who relied on emoji to get his point across: “🍆💦💦💦Fireworks💦💦💦🍆.”
But when patriotic Craigslist users weren’t riffing on municipal pyrotechnics, they were scrambling to think of other Fourth of July puns involving flagpoles, apple pie, picnics, independence, and a whole lot of dick pics. In the Annapolis, Maryland area, one bi-curious guy sought out “help raising my flag” in a last-minute effort to display his national pride. In Tucson, a traveling soldier suggested that “freedom loving ladies out there” should “consider it your patriotic duty” to give him a BJ. And in the Chicago suburb of Hoffman, an eager wife who appreciates sharing (and probably unintentional punnery) sought a second woman to “bang my husband on the 4th” (get it … bang?).
The Independence Day theme continued in Austin, Texas, where one creative wordsmith and voyeur complained of having “Red White and Blue Balls,” asking that a woman or couple help relieve him of his burden. Also using the color wheel was a kinky W4W in San Diego, whose pledged allegiance to a flag made of “Blue Nails, Red period, and white cum.”
No one can mention the Fourth of July without thinking of food at some point, though, and Casual Encounters did not disappoint when it came to references to that most classic of backyard holiday party snacks: hot dogs. In Philadelphia, a M4M looking to end the three-day weekend “on a big bang” (there we go again) offered himself as a “Bottom looking to take care of your big hot dog.” In Toledo, Ohio, a Craigslist user was keen to point out what they didn’t want: “no hot dog. I WANT THE BUNS (sic).”
Sadly, almost no one mentioned barbecue.
Next up in Close Encounters of the Casual Kind: a sex spike during the Republican National Convention? Or a disappointing Trump slump?
Mary Emily O'Hara is an LGBTQ reporter. Her work has appeared in Rolling Stone, NBC Out, Daily Dot, Broadly, Vice, the Daily Beast, the Advocate, Huffington Post, DNAinfo, Al Jazeera, and Portland's Pulitzer Prize-winning newsweekly Willamette Week, among other outlets.