If you’re a sex nerd, you probably have at least one super high-tech sex toy on your wishlist. They’re in the same category as smart water bottles and shady period trackers, so maybe you tell yourself you don’t need it, but you can’t help but fantasize about the possibilities. And if you’re willing to learn the ropes, the Crescendo by MysteryVibe is the perfect introduction to web-connected sex toys.
Like many high-end sex toy companies, MysterVibe puts a lot of care into the presentation of its products. When you order the Crescendo, you get two separate slipcovers, and one holds a black box embossed with the word “crescendo” in gold. The box holds the Crescendo and its wireless charger, plus a black satin pouch with pockets for the toy, charger, and any small sex accessories you can’t leave the house without.
The Crescendo itself appears sleek and deceptively simple at first glance. The purple silicone is soft, and despite being 8.5 inches long, it’s also very lightweight. It bends with little effort and is easy to clean but still holds its shape during use. You can turn on the Crescendo and cycle through the 12 pre-programmed vibration patterns at 16 intensity levels, never connect it to the MysteryVibe app, and still have a great time. But the combination of its adaptable shape and the customizable vibrations available through the app allow the user to make this toy unique to them.
The first time I connected the Crescendo to the MysteryVibe app, it installed an update. I have used many sex toys, and I’ve never seen one get an app update before. After the update was done, I used the app to explore dozens of vibration patterns. To my immense joy, I found that MysteryVibe can buzz to the tune of “Santa Baby,” “O Come All Ye Faithful,” and other Christmas classics. I did start to notice some minor issues with the app at this point: Sometimes it would stop installing new patterns until I disconnected and reconnected the toy. It also vibrated “Santa Baby” at me when I tried to install “Silent Night,” but that could have been God intervening.
Initially, playing with the Crescendo solo involved a lot of trial and error. The downside of so many pattern options is that it can take time to find what works for you. Combined with a bendable toy, the level of customization can actually make it hard to learn what factors do it for you and what needs to be changed up. It wasn’t until I found a setting that vibrated at a consistent level that I was able to really figure out what positions worked for me. Once I jumped that hurdle, the fun started.
Once you get the hang of the Crescendo, you can go wild with programming your own unique pattern. You can make a pattern that brings you to a shaking orgasm in under three minutes or make a pattern that slowly teases. Or you can spend way too long trying to get your vibrator to play “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.
As for partner play, the Crescendo has its ups and downs. It can be great for foreplay or adding something extra to oral sex. And it’s perfect for fulfilling the fantasy of someone else controlling your pleasure from a distance. Just find a comfortable position for the Crescendo to rest against you (if you’re going to be moving around, put it in your underwear to keep it in place), sync it up to your partner’s phone, and let them take control.
But it’s not a toy that you can easily add to the mix when things have already gotten hot and heavy. The ability to store 12 functions and vibrate at 16 intensities can be a lot of fun, but getting to the one you want can take everyone out of the moment. If you go for phone controls, it might be easier to get to the setting you’re looking for, but you still have to reconnect the Crescendo every time, which slows things down.
The Crescendo is a great toy for people who would describe their ideal sex life as adventurous or experimental. From the many functions to the different ways you can bend the toy to the ability to program your own vibration pattern, the Crescendo has endless possibilities. And if you’re curious about techy sex toys, it’s a great place to start. Just remember, it might take some time to find your groove.
Orgasm Oddities is a column dedicated to exploring weird, niche, and inventive sex toys and accessories. We do not shame people who enjoy these toys. We simply seek to answer the question: How does this get a person off? If you have suggestions for sexy items we should review, contact Alex Dalbey on Twitter @thedialogtree or via email at [email protected].