Therapist Shanna Wilder (@friscosextherapist) went viral on TikTok after introducing a concept that instantly resonated: “malingering.” In the June 3, 2025, video, which currently sits at over 131,000 views, Wilder explained how some people incessantly complain about situations they refuse to try to change. They seem addicted to their own problems, and they don’t seek help—they seek validation. Apparently, it’s the word we’ve all been searching for to describe that one annoying person.
What is “malingering?”
Wilder introduced the internet to the term in response to a question from @laursworld25: “What’s it called when someone constantly complains to you about stuff and you give them solutions, but they never want to take your solutions?”
People malinger to elicit sympathy, not advice
At the risk of oversimplifying a delicate cognitive behavior (this is TherapyTok after all), Wilder suggested that people maintain their problems because they’re not ready to let them go. Maybe they’re not ready for solutions.
According to Wilder, what they want is sympathy for their problems. “This is because they haven’t been able to validate their problems to themselves,” she said. “They want to see that validation come from someone else.”
Wilder advised people who experience the behavior in relationships to show their loved ones or clients, “yeah, those are big concerns.” But don’t expect an immediate return on your EQ investment. The therapist warned, “It fills a little bit of a hole, but it’s like throwing a handful of sand into a black hole until they learn to validate it for themselves.”
@friscosextherapist Malingering #counseling #psychology #mentalhealth #sexualhealth #desire #Relationships #marriage #couplescounseling #counselorsoftiktok ♬ original sound – Shanna Wilder M.A. LPC-S CHST
“Recreational complainers” and the psychology behind clinging to problems
Commenters recognized the phenomenon Wilder mentioned. Some shared context and strategies for extending a compassionate approach to malingerers. Others said they’ve been punished enough.
Snaps to TikTok creator @themicaelamolina who suggested, “Maybe those people grew up disconnected from themselves because they were trained to distrust their inner voice and inner wisdom.”
“Know your role… A lot of times someone just wanted to be heard and don’t want you to solve their problems for them… especially if we’re talking about a friend,” @desiluquintanacon wrote. “If you don’t have the capacity for that you should tell them or set boundaries.”
“I call them recreational complainers: complaining for a talking point,” commented @roddy_chris93.
“These friendships are exhausting, never again. I’d rather be a loner,” shared @ladydializ.
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