In a situation pulled straight from a millennial Mad Libs workbook, a Bristol, England, man is crowdfunding the repair of his bathroom window after firefighters had to break it to rescue his Tinder date who, while the pair were watching a Scientology documentary, had gotten stuck in it to retrieve a poop she had thrown because his toilet wouldn’t flush. Exhale. Let us begin.
According to the GoFundMe page, Liam Smyth and his date, whom he graciously kept anonymous, began their evening with a meal at Nandos, a British Portuguese restaurant chain of cheeky meme fame, which led to “Louis Theroux and chill” back at his place. About an hour in, she left to use the bathroom and returned with some truly horrifying news.
“‘I went for a poo in your toilet,’ she told me, ‘and it would not flush. I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked…I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window,'” Smyth wrote.
Easy enough fix, right? Just throw the poop out the window! However, Smyth’s bathroom window is no regular window. The poop bag should have, theoretically, landed in the garden outside, and they could have gone on with their date, but instead, Smyth’s window opened up to another window. This second window didn’t open but left a gap of what he estimated to be 18 inches between the two panes.
“It was into this Twilight Zone that my date had thrown her poo,” Smyth waxed. “Seeing only one solution, I messaged our house group-chat, and went upstairs to find a hammer and chisel to smash open the window. My date had other ideas.”
Other ideas, being that Smyth’s date attempted to use her skills as an “amateur gymnast” to retrieve the offending poop. Though she attempted to reach inside, she needed Smyth to give her a boost and help her climb between the windows, head first, in order to reach the stinker. It was a success, and the pair was able to flush out the poop at long last. However, it would seem that Smyth’s date was now too captured by the Twilight Zone.
“She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap,” Smyth wrote. “Bristol’s finest were on scene sirens blaring in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools.”
In 15 minutes, England’s Avon Fire and Rescue were able to retrieve Smyth’s date, but the damage he initially anticipated had been done—the firefighters needed to break the window, for which he’s been quoted nearly $400 to replace (his monthly budget, he adds). Avon Fire and Rescue have confirmed a call to Smyth’s address to retrieve a woman trapped between two windows with the Bristol Post.
“If the window is not replaced my landlord may well kill me, so you would be literally helping to save a life,” Smyth wrote.
— Avon Fire & Rescue Service (@AvonFireRescue) September 5, 2017
Since Smyth launched his campaign just over 24 hours ago, the internet has raised more than $2,600 for the poor student’s window. He’s even received offers to have the window replaced for free. But he won’t be keeping the extra funding—he’s donating the money raised between Toilet Twinning, a charity that provides toilets to impoverished families, and the Fire Fighters Charity in the U.K.
As for the woman, Smyth told the Post that they had met again for a drink to discuss creating the GoFundMe page. She’s lovely, Smyth said, and while he’s busy with his postgraduate dissertation, he’d “certainly” be open to seeing her again.
Read about Smyth’s entire doo-doo date debacle on his GoFundMe page.