Dear Students, Teachers, Janitors:
Fake Scientist here — the author of your favorite fake science blog. If our lab’s calculations are right, most of you have been back in school for a while, experimenting with glue inhalation and testing if Bunsen burners can ignite human hair. You’re probably just finishing your fourth reread of our new 272-page textbook, Fake Science 101. Though it was banned in Houston — because of a supposed “lack of facts” — Fake Science 101covers everything from earth science to astronomy, complete with handy charts and quizzes to keep you occupied during lectures. But while we know that real science is what keeps most of you up at night, the Internet is what keeps us up — and breaking away can be difficult. Our research is here to help. With Tumblr as our guide, we’ve identified five ways to know you’ve got an Internet addiction problem — and, of course, how to solve it.
The Problem: You’ve Got an Emotional Attachment to GIFs
Have you found you’re unable to express yourself for longer than 1.8 seconds, after which you repeat the same motion over and over? If the idea of a perfect moment, frozen in time, causes you to raise your eyebrows the same way for hours at a time, you may have an emotional GIF attachment.
What’s the cure? It may help to visualize yourself being turned into a .MOV file when you meet up with friends, though you’ll want to make sure they have Quicktime installed. When you sleep, a simple JPEG conversion should do the trick.
The Problem: Overtalkative Feline Syndrome
Have you been having trouble with your hilarious cat? Has it been talking too much, wearing more pants than it should, and asking for human food? As funny as cats are, you may actually own a small child, not a cat. Check to see if it ignores you completely — if it doesn’t scowl at you, it’s probably human.
Don’t worry. Humans can still be hilarious if applied correctly. Quickly check if your child can resist humorous injuries, express strong political preferences, or laugh really cutely.
The Problem: Damage of Your Dental Crown
Admittedly, this doesn’t have a lot to do with the internet. But please see your dentist every six months to protect against dangerous complications like these. You’ll have a healthy mouth and free toothbrush to show for it.
The Problem: Associative Reflexia Disorder
If you’ve spent a lot of time on the internet, you’ve probably seen a lot of things remade to look like other things. In extreme cases, this may extend to real life. You’ll spend every second wondering: What if the ShamWow guy were in a Wes Anderson movie? Wouldn’t it be cool if characters from Portlandia looked like vintage pin-ups? Why am I so lonely?
Fortunately, you can fight associative reflexia by turning your fantasies into reality. Walk with your mobile phone in front of you at all times and set it to an appropriate Instagram filter. Overlay that with a quote in Futura. In no time, the Subway on the corner will become lovably quirky.
The Problem: Missing Out Dysphoria (FOMO)
Every hour, an Internet addict is confronted with status updates and posts about the exciting lives of their friends. When you see a picture of your high school classmate sailing near Morocco, you might feel especially bad that you’re stuck sailing in the Hamptons.
Fortunately, there is a solution: flood the feed. If you update your friends with every movement, thought, and piece of media you encounter, you won’t be able to see how much better their lives are than yours.
Hopefully, you’ve been able to use these tips to alleviate the symptoms of your internet addiction. If so, you can spread the cure right now: share this post and start getting better. Then go ahead and share it again, while you check your email, reblog, and update your status.
Senior Fake Scientist