The Hater: 5 things to hate about SXSW

We love the Internet. Except when we hate it. Every week, Jordan Valinsky bottles the angst of his Millennial generation and finds something to despise about the Web.

I am so over South by Southwest.

Between stalking Twitter accounts to find a dumb secret code for packed parties and helping the Daily Dot team put together a special edition newspaper, I’ve had enough. Print is dead! And whatever I say is 100 percent accurate—I went to journalism school, after all.

So, before the throngs of crowds pack downtown Austin and wander aimlessly looking for some tent sponsored by a tech startup that snagged a C-list British singer to perform, here are the five things I am not looking forward to at SXSW.

1. Accessing parties. You have a better chance of getting into Harvard (or one of those “Hidden Ivies” like Davidson) than getting into any party. First you’ve got to follow some Twitter account to RSVP, then retweet some imbecilic tweet for a chance to gain entrance to the party—and then somehow win. Take the American Express concert with Jay-Z. AmEx account holders, who also hold an Interactive badge, have to sync up their cards with Twitter to be entered into a smaller contest to win a ticket. So complicated! Hate you!

2. Hearing about your startup. Oh cool, a location-based app called Drinkr that integrates a map so you can find your friends within a 1,000 feet radius throwing up on a street corner? Brilliant and life-changing. No, I’m serious. Whatever your startup is, save the spiel for the investors and don’t bark it at me. I don’t care! To be fair, I don’t have an iPhone so the chances of me wanting to hear any part of your pitch has already decreased 1,000 percent. Anyway, I already hate your startup because your startup probably hates vowels.

3. Hearing about your panel. The panels at SXSW follow this rubric: “The Future of [insert anything that happens online, like dating]” or “How Social Media is Changing [any word, even the word Judaism works].” Let me guess, Twitter, FourSquare and iPhone applications has something to do with it! Also, #hashtags.

4. Badge holders. You scored a badge, cool. Now act normal. Don’t wave it around and think you’re royalty, or worse a Bravolebrity. You and thousands of your closest friends forked out enough cash to buy a badge to hear the founder of Pinterest talk about how he’s going to monetize pinning recipes. Just shut up and write about it for your little tech news site so I can have fodder in the coming weeks. Also, I am not bitter at all.

5. The Microsoft Interactive Lounge. What? That’s a thing! Learn the best ways to disable the blue screen of death while drinking a seltzer water that doesn’t satisfy you. Microsoft is one of the many companies sponsoring so many lame lounges. Can I just get a glass of Riesling and not be talked at? That’s an ideal lounge.

So yeah, come find me at SXSW where I will be pitching my Hater iPhone app to anyone who listens at the Chevrolet Volt Recharge Lounge.

Photo by Laughing Squid

Jordan Valinsky

Jordan Valinsky

A former editorial operations specialist and staff writer for the Daily Dot, Jordan Valinsky is a tech reporter and web culture commentator. His work has been published by the Week, Digiday, CNNMoney, Popular Mechanics, Vice, Mic, and Betabeat.