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The Hater explains why everyone on Twitter should shut up about the Olympics and let him enjoy the eye candy in peace.

We love the Internet. Except when we hate it. Every week, Jordan Valinsky bottles the angst of his Millennial generation and finds something to despise about the Web.

There’s a lot of things the Internet loses its shit over: Arrested Development script leaks, Anderson Cooper’s selfie pictures on Instagram, and now, the Summer Olympics.

For the past five days, seemingly everyone on the Internet has ridiculed, scrutinized, and judged every aspect of the Games harder than a Chinese gymnast coach. Twitter stupidly believed that NBC would flawlessly stick the landing of airing the Olympics, Tumblr turned into a gold-framed museum of GIFs featuring British diver Tom Daley, and Pinterest is treating the event the way only Pinterest can: with Olympic-themed cocktail recipes.

And those terrible athletes who can’t stop tweeting homophobic and racist stuff toward each other! Did they not know people different from them would be in attendance or was their common sense also edited out by NBC?

But the worst part of the Olympics is everyone on Twitter. I predicted last week that everyone on it would be life-ruiners. I was right!

We’ve somehow forgotten that NBC has tape delayed big events for prime-time viewing in the past to make money, add narrative, and to show you that Mary Carillo is totally goofy in foreign cities. But yeah, Ryan Seacrest, there’s no excuse for him there. However, hi, Andy Cohen, why is Watch What Happens Live not broadcasting from London and forcing the Real Housewives into a pinto-sipping-turned-badminton match?

Then we took the whole Guy Adams debacle too seriously! But it’s nice to see Adams back on Twitter so he can keep complaining about Matt Lauer’s voice or something. I know he’s a writer for a newspaper that isn’t The Sun, but is his sole job to tweet about the dumbest things? We sure treated his Twitter ban situation with the most utmost importance that it rightfully deserved.

And, LMAO to those “celebrities tweeting at athletes” stories. I know it’s really apparent when I stretch for story ideas, but you guys at ABC News weren’t even trying with this one, were you? Can we send that deplorable Lara Spencer to Justin Bieber’s house so she can get a candid look at how celebrities live-tweet the Olympics?

So, I concluded that everyone watching the Olympics and complaining about them on Twitter is terrible. The 17-day long event is just a bunch of boutique sports, held to an extreme level of importance, that are accidentally broadcast internationally so the Omega watch brand can get their name out there. Has anyone ever bought an Omega watch or is their only purpose in life to record time for the events?

I love the Olympics, but let’s be honest with ourselves: We’re not watching them because they matter. We’re obsessed with them because the athletes bodies’ are hot and Subway needs a new spokesperson. It also provides us a much needed chest-pounding situation, so we can pump up our nationalistic pride since we’re terrible in education. The Olympics come every four years to provide NBC with a break from running America’s Got Talent for 20 weeks straight and the hope of a nip slip in water polo.

So, Twitter, for the remainder of the Games let’s all just shut up and thank God we’re not stuck with the Winter Olympics. Those are terrible, and you’re free to bitch about them as much as you want.

Photo via Hashgram

Upstream
The Hater: A guide to watching the Olympics
In case you're not already overstimulated, try adding a second screen to your games-viewing experience.
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