In this special end-of-the-year edition of The Hater, I compiled 10 things that ceaselessly ruined the minor joy the Internet brought me throughout 2011. What I discovered in this spiritual discovery through the wracked strands of the Web was that everything bugged me, at least a little bit.
Then my duditor was like, “Hey, why don’t we make this one of our Dot 10 lists, too! It’s a Hater column and a listicle! It’s a mash-up! Everybody wins!”
Excuse me while I empty the contents of my stomach.
But then, in a rare moment of sympathy, I realized that hateful people are a community, too. A sort of ur-community that gives birth to others. Without people to hate, what would random website commenters have in common? What would they talk about? How would they ever find each other and heal that seeping wound of bile that passes for their hearts?
Happy ohmigod 2011 is almost over, everybody! Let’s get to it.
I might be going the Time magazine route and not picking a singular person. But the commenters on Facebook have proved to be the most obnoxious, narrow-minded people on the planet, and should really just have their Internet access revoked. Take the recent Lowe’s controversy, where the home-improvement chain pulled their ads from TLC’s “All American Muslim” and the ugly side of Facebook commenters spewed their racist and bigoted views all over the company’s page like mulch from a leaf-blower. Do I really have to hold a tolerance-training class in Tinychat for you all?
The magic of Lady Gaga is that when she tries to be controversial we give it a collective “Oh ok, that’s cute, but really?” (see: meat dress). But when she’s accidentally ruckusy, we share a collective laugh-and-point.
Lady Gaga stupidly tweeted some news about track listings for her new album (or something! Who cares, it will be weird!) on the Sunday the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death was breaking and we all took her to Twitter court. “TURN ON CNN,” everyone on Twitter responded. She quickly backtracked. Also, she loves everyone, did you know that?
Alec Baldwin (and all the rest of the celebrities on Twitter)
We get it: Finally you have an outlet for your brilliance that’s in your pocket or purse and doesn’t have to go through 50 layers of PR! But you know what? Those gatekeepers earn their pay. What’s the matter, Alec? Afraid your face isn’t being splashed across enough movie screens, billboards, and television commercials? Every time Baldwin tweets, you can sense that they treat it like walking down the red carpet at a movie premiere with tons of screaming fans reaching out trying to grab them. It’s not. The beauty of Twitter is that everyone is equal. And in fact, a lot of celebrities are kind of D-listy on Twitter, if you compare their follower numbers to those of some funny yet faceless accounts. Quit with the theatrics, Alec Baldwin, Amanda Bynes, and the rest of you lot, and just tweet pictures of your healthy lunch like the rest of us.
Ugh, Ashton Kutcher proved to be even more insufferable this year than ever, which is an accomplishment considering where he started— MTV’s “Punk’d.” Between his lame “young tech star” summit in June, joining the terrorist-baiting CBS show “Two and a Half Men,” and defending disgraced former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, and oh yeah, unfollowing his ex-wife, Demi Moore, on Twitter.
So Ashton, you know how you gave up control of your Twitter account to your agent? Do the same thing with your cable modem. In fact, send it to Daily Dot headquarters and we’ll keep it safe and sound.
There are so many reasons why Facebook’s CEO annoys us. Mounting a bison in your COO’s conference room? Just odd. And Timeline is kind of creepy, but actually I like creeping on people and this makes it easier, so score, Zuck, you get points for that.
But can we talk about Social Reader? Worst. Facebook app. Ever. More like UnSocial Reader, right?! LOL! The new application tries to help you share the articles you read, or the articles you pretended to read so you look smart among the literazzi, but when I click on a headline because, you know, I want to read the story my friend read, please take me to the story, and not some complicated check-in process that rivals boarding a Southwest flight. Someone, just fix it.
The 15-year-old fashion blogger from Chicago catapulted into mainstream fashion circles this year, but if her cringe-worthy appearance on NPR’s “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!,” taught us anything, it’s that her media savvy doesn’t match her fashion sense. Yes, amazing, she is just a teenager and she’s soooo influential, but her “look at me now” name-brand fashion choices and milquetoast mannerisms makes us just want to run to Target’s Missoni collection in despair.
Seriously, AOL media boss lady, you’re empowering women with Ke$ha nipple slip stories? You have decent journalists over there, no need to sludge downwards to appease the bottom-dwellers typing random dirty thoughts into Google. I mean, some of your headlines are so bad, they deserve to be printed out and framed at MOMA or something. For now, we’ll settle for HuffNo.
Okay, your downfall was kind of fun! Between the admitted drug use that rivaled a Real Housewives reunion and the disastrous television interviews, watching Sheen self-destruct boosted my self-esteem. But then it got annoying. The overuse of the word “winning” became egregious—and if you’re still using the phrase, stop. The find-an-intern contest where everyone who applied got into the second round like a junior level t-ball playoff was equally unbearable. And, OMG, the tiger blood meme! Let’s pretend that never happened.
Well, this was just sad! The once-promising Democratic politician from New York got caught with his pants down for sending, uh, dong shots to fans. The shuddersome pictures of Weiner’s ween flopped through the crotch-loving Internet and prematurely ended his career. Oh Anthony, I honestly can’t even give you a little bit of a pass. Did you really think you weren’t going to get caught? And via Twitter? You’re an idiot.
Everyone who participated in planking/shoeing/owling/Tebowing
Planking, shoeing, and owling were run-of-the-mill stupid. Tebowing was where the Internet decided to give up and stop being clever altogether. How bored are you guys? Are there so few cat videos on YouTube that you are resorting to laying lifelessly on copy machines to entertain yourselves? Or mocking Tim Tebow for praying, who is ultimately getting the last laugh out of all this? Wait, nevermind, he’s really annoying too.
People, go outside, go read a paper book, hug a friend. Or at least create a subreddit. Do something that isn’t this mindless. For the future of our families, our nations, our children, our Internet.