Web 2.0 was supposed to spawn an awesome, hyper-critical, counter-culture movement that wasn’t filtered through the conglomerate media—and in a lot of ways, it has! We have more divergent voices and perspectives than ever before, and it’s one of the most constantly reassuring things about the 21st century.
However, social media has also given a massive shot of conformity to the Internet we all know and love. Why? Because when your shitheel friends and family sign up for Twitter accounts, they have no idea how to express themselves without resorting to cliché. Bummer! Those normals always try to mess with our paradise.
So I took it upon myself to compose a list of traits that I tend to see in the bios of particularly self-serious bros, because the first step to a cure is acknowledgement. Walk with me, and we will stamp out these contrived personal brands together.
1) “This is all I know. This is my life. This is my destiny”
Okay, so obviously not every Twitter bro has that exact haiku in their profile, (the above comes from a certain WWE superfan) but you do see a lot of hyper-serious gesticulation going on in certain degenerate corners. THIS IS WHO I AM. THIS IS WHAT I DO. LOVE ME, HATE ME, BUT YOU CAN NEVER SHINE ON ME. It’s like, dawg, you tweeted four times about the Eagles and then a picture of a salad you made. Your social media posture isn’t that controversial, baby—take a chill pill.
2) “Buff/Junkie/Nerd etc.”
I don’t know why this bothers me as much as it does, but I’ll try to break it down: The first element is that for most dudes on Twitter it seems like calling yourself a “movie buff” basically implies that you’ve seen Reservoir Dogs and Boondock Saints. And “nerd” is at this point so meaningless an identifier as to make your tweets seem, on average, slightly dumber.
But the third, and most important thing, is that this language (“junkie” specifically) refers to a level of degeneration that you’re not able to represent. Are you lying in a gutter because of your addiction to anime? Please restrict those words to the true miscreants of the world.
3) “Patriot”
Man you must really not like Twitter, huh?
4) “#Lakers, #Cowboys, #Steelers #Habs”
I can accept you as a bandwagoner. That’s fine. There’s so much to be stressed about in life, and I’m not going to focus on the authenticity of already dubious concepts like sports fandom. But my god, you at least have to try and fake it okay? Lakers, Cowboys, Steelers, and Habs? You live in Phoenix! How are you rooting for two football teams? That’s just… what? You can’t divide your unreasonable passions into two opposing things. I get that they were both good when you were 10 years old, but it’s not cute anymore, OK? Nobody likes a grown man who only cares about winning.
5) “Unapologetic” (as an adjective)
Seriously: Who the fuck was asking you to apologize about being a beer lover? Who? Is it really that stressful? Why do you have to keep up this defiance? Using this word is the only thing you should be sorry for.
6) “SAE (Sigma Alpha Epsilon)”
Look, this is find for a certain time in your life. If you’re in college and in a fraternity, I can understand why that might be worth three characters in your Twitter bio. But you’re 32 years old now. You’ve got a dog, and a mortgage, and a stagnating personal life. Do you really want your fucking fraternity to be part of your first impression? Trust me, that shouldn’t be one of the five most important things to you anymore. Go join an adult dodgeball league or something.
7) “RTs are not endorsements”
My man. Who do you think you are? The only people who need to say “RTs are not endorsements” are, like, President Obama and Malala Yousafzai. (Same goes for “tweets are my own.”) You have 300 followers. What controversy are you possibly afraid of courting by embedding an old stupid Donald Trump tweet? For god’s sakes, man, the Internet is not that serious. You can’t even let the joke breathe! Nobody is out to get you! The world isn’t always a cold dead place! Also, if anyone genuinely believes you’re not being ironic when you RT utter nonsense, then you shouldn’t be associating with them in the first place.
Of course, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We must also be vigilant against the Silicon Valley bio (“TED listener, thinkfluencer, Internet connoisseur, entrepreneur”), the anti-SJW crusader (“all lives matter, doesn’t care if you’re offended, blocked by [empowered woman],” “poison to the PC police”) and anyone who thinks that their love of coffee is an actual personality trait. Also, you are not a “professional troublemaker.”
At the end of the day, though, there’s one flag redder than all the rest:
https://twitter.com/Bro_Pair/status/672483648030056449
Oh, you’re fluent in sarcasm? We’re very impressed.
Photo via Rodney Campbell/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Max Fleishman
