7 ways to get rid of those disgusting marshmallow Peeps

Warning: Do not ingest.

Feb 29, 2020, 9:41 am*

Internet Culture


Miles Klee

Second only perhaps to the scourge of jellybeans, the marshmallow Peep is Easter’s most revolting candy. The company that makes them (and a host of other vile confections) will one day be brought to account for their crimes against humanity, but until then, each spring, Peeps flock into our lives, promising nothing but sticky fingers and stomach aches.

Americans allegedly consume 1.5 billion of these spongy sugar wads every Easter, but we know that’s not true. We may buy that many, but a solid billion go directly into the trash, where they belong. Which seems wasteful, doesn’t it? Maybe we can come up with some better ideas…

1) Test your high-caliber ammunition

I mean hey, gotta shoot at something.

2) Make a religious diorama

Look, you could do a secular Peeps diorama—and by all means, enter a contest—but this weekend is a great opportunity to dig into scripture.

3) Have them joust in the microwave

In the game of Peeps, you explode, then you die.

4) Use as bookends, wine stoppers, or pedicure spacers

The Martha Stewart approach.

5) Draw them like one of your French chicks

Ceci n’est pas une Peep.

6) Stuff them into a vacuum chamber

Oh, the Peepmanity!

7) Just feed them to your horse

He doesn’t know any better.

Photo via Teresa Boardman/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Mar 25, 2016, 3:55 pm