From a carp to a Hot Pocket, we had sex with a lot of inanimate objects this year.
This story contains sexually explicit material and may be NSFW.
It’s late December, so you’ve probably had your fill of “best of/worst/of/the year in” listicles. But rather than catalogue your favorite albums or vines or celebrity eyebrow transformations or brand screw-ups, we’ve been closely tracking another 2014 trend: dudes (and ladies) putting their junk in weird stuff.
They put their genitals in a snake. They put their genitals in a lake. They put their genitals in a car. They put their genitals in a jar. And so on.
This was the year that brave netizens attempted to achieve sexual satisfaction by any possible means, risking their jobs, their Twitter accounts, their pH balance, and the threat of getting third-degree penile burns in the process. But they ultimately gained the most important thing of all: temporary Internet notoriety.
So let’s take a trip down memory lane with the weirdest things we screwed in 2014. Try not to stick your dong in any mailboxes along the way.
13) A greased-up Pringles can
Our very own Miles Klee made his own DIY Fleshlight and took it for a test drive, for journalism. “The penetration was hesitant, and at first everything was far too tight, but with all that lube I was able to glide in the rest of the way,” he wrote amid postcoital shame.
TL;DR: It worked.
12) A model airplane
Back in April, US Airways caught flak for responding to a customer complaint by tweeting a photo of a woman doing something very NSFW with a model airplane (she put it in her vagina, in case that wasn’t clear). Although US Airways apologized immediately afterward, the damage had already been done: The tweet spawned a million “landing strip” puns on Twitter, not to mention an awkward explanation from one very sheepish US Airways employee.
11) A snake
If you didn’t know what the word “cloaca” meant before watching this mp4 video of a dude copulating with a giant snake that went viral on Twitter, well, you likely do now. (Spoiler: It’s basically a butt and vagina all in one. Snakes are cool, man.)
10) An ATM
Tennesseean Lonnie Hutton made headlines when he was arrested for copulating with a picnic bench after a failed attempt to have sex with an ATM. At press time, the ATM was embroiled in a Twitter feud with the bench, calling it a “bully-ass hoe.”
9) A carp
Listen, carp are sexy. We get it. They’re sleek and shiny and they have pretty scales. If you Google “carp mouth,” you’ll see it actually looks a lot like a sex toy. That said, they still belong to another species, and therefore cannot consent to sexual congress with a human. So in the event that you’re frolicking naked in a lake with your friend and a particularly alluring carp swims by, try to avoid sticking your penis in it, as this Romanian gentleman did. Because zoophilia is illegal, and “the fish was asking for it” is not a valid legal defense.
8) A box of Pop-Tarts
No list of Things We Fucked in 2014 would be complete without @VERSACEPOPTARTS, the teen who became a Twitter folk legend when he was banned for posting a photo of himself copulating with a Hot Pocket. But before the infamous Hot Pocket sex tweet, there was the box of Pop-Tarts sex tweet, which will be viewed by future biographers as the Rubber Soul to @VERSACEPOPTARTS’s Sgt. Pepper’s. Some fans even prefer the Pop-Tart video to the Hot Pocket video, considering it a more cohesive and polished artistic effort, but we politely disagree.
7) A Domino’s pizza
Step 1: Order a pizza. Step 2: Attempt to fornicate with it. Step 3: Complain to the Domino’s U.K. social media account that the pizza “burned [your] penis severely.” Step 4: When Domino’s correctly identifies you as a troll, keep pushing the issue by saying you “have a multitude of pepperoni pieces stuck to my balls and [your] penis is scorched.” Step 5: Make Internet history.
6) A pool float
Last June, Ohio man Edwin Charles Tobergta was arrested for “public indecency” after police caught him copulating with a pool float. But it wasn’t the first time Tobergta had been arrested for such an offense—in fact, it was the fifth, with the very same pool float. Which means we’re all overdue on getting Tobergta and his pool float wife a fifth anniversary gift, if anyone wants to chip in on a set of nice silverware?
Last fall, Edward Smith, 63, broke the Internet when he revealed on British television that he’d had sex with more than 700 cars, as well as a handful of planes and helicopters. Question: If Edward Smith met Vagina Plane Lady and they ended up falling in love and getting married, would you cry at their wedding? I would.
4) A jar of relish
From Reddit’s Today I Fucked Up (R/TIFU), a veritable font of first-person chronicles of people having sex with inanimate objects:
I read a post on Reddit recently about a guy who fucked a jar of peanut butter and I thought about how awesome that would feel.
So earlier today when my housemates were all out and I had a bit of me time, I decided I’d try it out. I figured I’d just throw it away when I’m done and buy a new jar, no harm done.
Unfortunately we didn’t have any peanut butter in the house, but at the back of the cupboard I did find an old jar of hot dog relish that hadn’t been used in about 9 months. I seem to recall it tasting pretty disgusting, but the chunky texture seemed perfect for my activities.
Little did I realise that this particular brand of hot dog relish contains mustard, and about 10 seconds into the activity my member started to feel a bit hot, and about 15 seconds in I was running to the cold tap because it felt like my cock had been stung by a swarm of angry japanese wasps.
3) A cousin
Also from R/TIFU. Not technically an inanimate object, but also probably not a good idea.
2) Adam Levine
Also not technically an inanimate object, but if there’s anyone out there who’s had sex with the Maroon 5 frontman/Voice judge, I’d like to pose the following question to you: Why, sweetie? Why would you do this? You poor thing. You’ve been through so much. Do you want some tea? Maybe a blanket? If you need to talk about it, or anything else at all, I’ll just be right here, waiting until you’re ready.
1) A Hot Pocket
Simple. Classic. Elegant. More fuckable than Adam Levine.
Photo by Belldog/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)