Man with hard drive full of tractor porn arrested for having sex with a tractor

Update 12:00pm CT, Oct. 20, 2015: Welp, we’ve been had. This story came from a very funny satirical website, and we are very stupid—or possibly biased against British people—for believing it. Nevertheless, it stands as a stark warning to any tractorphiles out there:  

Do you ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, wondering who you are and what your place in this strange world might be? 

Because Ralph Bishop of Suffolk, England, sure doesn’t. No, Bishop knows exactly who he is: a guy who fucks tractors. 

From an incredible report in the (satirical) Suffolk Gazette:

A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex-offenders’ register.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham.

He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency, and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside. 

There’s so much to unpack here—beginning with the hilariously British notion of being “banned from the countryside.” (In practice, this will mean Bishop cannot come within a mile of a farm.)

But also: Sex with tractors! What vision. What ambition. Bishop—who according to local police is really “into” the axle grease on tractors’ rears— is truly a pervert’s pervert. Just outstanding.

And as if to drive the whole story home, there was this: “When officers searched [Bishop’s] terraced home they found a collection of more than 5,000 tractor images on his laptop.”

That’s right: tractor porn. Because Rule 34 isn’t some abstract jokey concept to bandy about online. It’s a proven hypothesis.

H/T Suffolk Gazette | Photo via Peter Mooney/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'