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All your worst fears are real.
The toilet snake takes many shapes. To some, it’s a circular shit that coils up like soft-serve as it exits the body. Others consider the toilet snake synonymous with augers used to rid your pipes of particularly nasty clogs.
In some countries, a toilet snake is exactly what you think it is: a waterborne python lurking in sewers and porcelain thrones, just trying to quench its thirst. One such serpent managed to make its way to the toilet of Atthaporn Boonmakchuay, a Thai man in the process of relieving himself.
When the python got a look at Boonmakchuay’s trouser snake, it got a bit feisty and attacked.
The quick-thinking man screamed for his wife to hand him a rope and attempted to extract the snake from his junk like you’d remove a loose tooth if you hated dentists. He tied up the python’s head, tied the other end of rope to a door, and successfully lost part of his penis in the extraction process.
Boonmakchuay is in stable condition, though it’s unclear what shape his dick is in. The snake was captured by a team of what I’d imagine are Thai snake-dick specialists, who managed to royally destroy a toilet in the process. The snake is said to have been returned to the wild, facing very few consequences for his actions. The animal kingdom has no chill.
H/T Huffington Post
A former Weekend Editor at the Daily Dot, April Siese's reporting covers everything from technology and politics to web culture and humor. Her work has been published by Bustle, Uproxx, Death and Taxes, Rolling Stone, the Daily Beast, Thrillist, Atlas Obscura, and others. Siese joined Quartz in December 2016.