4 ways to solve the U.K.’s sperm donor crisis

Earlier this week, the Guardian reported that United Kingdom’s national sperm bank only has nine donors. Nine! Like, not even ten.

Perhaps this is due to a law established in 2005 that allows “any child born after that time the right to trace their biological father” when they turn 18. Perhaps it’s the fact that men who want to donate might have to go to the clinic twice a week for up to four months—and only receive the equivalent of $53 per visit. Perhaps procreation just isn’t as cool as it once was.

Regardless, the U.K. is thirsty for some jizz, and lucky for them, I have personal experience when it comes to making dudes want to jerk off.

1) Go the fascist route and institute a tax on male masturbation

If a man isn’t jerking off for a good cause, he better pay up. Instead of compensating men for donating sperm, how about we punish men who don’t donate sperm? Something to the tune of $53 for every wasted orgasm. How would the government monitor this? Oh, naïve reader, don’t you know that the government is always watching you?

2) Ban masturbation altogether

The problem may not be with the sperm banks themselves. Cell phone radiation, an overabundance of free porn, the slow disintegration of the 40-hour work week, and the knowledge that Margaret Thatcher’s prudish ghost is literally everywhere all likely contribute to British men wanking less. They need inspiration, a masturbation Renaissance of sorts. But the Renaissance would have never happened if it wasn’t for the middle ages, so first we must ban masturbation, re-repress the people of Britain. Within the next 500-1000 years, they’ll slowly begin revolt, enlighten themselves, and, at long last, collectively blow the biggest load of all time.

3) Switch their target demographic to boys age 11-15

For most men, masturbation is masturbation. It’s NBD. It’s something they all do. It’s release. But jerking off is new and exciting for preteen/teenage boys. In some circles, it’s even a point of pride. I remember when I was in sixth grade, my tormentor would brag about how often he jerked off. “That’s gross,” I remember saying to him. “Shut up,” he replied. Anyway, I’m not trying to rehash my middle school bullying experience…

Boys on the precipice of puberty are perfect sperm donors because they are most likely virgins, which means they don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases; additionally, they’re looking for any excuse to wank it.

4) Anarchy

No rules. Chaos. Abolish government. Jizz everywhere. Actualize the myth of private property. Life would be like Coachella—but with jizz. Dismantle corporations. Everyone is coming all the time. God is dead. Jizz everywhere. Abolish the military industrial complex. Cover London with a thin layer of sweet, sweet semen. It’s really about the release. Dismantle the myth of the nuclear family. What’s the point of even furthering the human race? What’s the point of anything? 

Photo via Grace Hebert/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Eve Peyser

Eve Peyser

Eve Peyser is a writer and comedian based in New York. She has published bylines in Esquire, the Washington Post, Gizmodo, and GQ, and she works as a staff politics and culture writer at Vice.