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Because you deserve the whole truth.
With an eye toward improving the user experience for everyone, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to revise these tips to more accurately reflect the state of online dating, as well as the crushing despair that comes with.
I lost all my Matches!
Oh no! Now you’re going to have to initiate eye contact before you can sleep with a stranger tonight!
I can’t upload photos.
If you can’t master this most basic function of modern life, then you don’t deserve to flirt with hot singles in your area.
I accidentally left-swiped someone. Can I get them back?
Absolutely not. That person is now dead to you. Also, they are actually dead. Accidental left-swipes kill.
How do I change my age?
Get an asymmetrical haircut and download Yik Yak.
How do I get unlimited right swipes?
Unlimited right swipes are just a state of mind! If you want unlimited right swipes, all you need to do is start saying yes to everything you want in life. Want to hit the gym today? Right swipe. Want chicken for dinner? Right swipe. Want your father to express his love for you? Right swipe—despite the fact that this will never, ever happen.
Why does Tinder need to access my camera roll?
Because we need to know how many hundreds of pictures you took of your own face at microscopically different angles before you settled on the one most likely to make strangers want to share their genitals with you.
The app keeps crashing.
It’s overly burdened by your unfounded expectations of quick and easy romantic happiness.
Will I lose my matches if I delete the app?
No, because, like your dead relatives, Tinder lives on forever in your heart. Also, you will lose all of your matches, because fucking duh.
How do I change my interests/page likes?
Develop a better personality. Go to a classical music concert, put some air plants in a glass ball and hang it from your ceiling, get one of those box deals where a person who’s better than you sends you expensive clothes that you’ll never have the confidence to wear. Read an actual newspaper written by actual journalists and ask yourself: “What do I think about all of this?” Then force yourself to answer the question before you check Instagram again. Or just continue to watch The Big Bang Theory and lie about the other stuff just like everyone else.
How do I report someone?
Yell directly into your phone, “Prank caller! Prank caller!”
What is Tinder Plus?
A way to get 40-year-olds to pay $20 a month for the privilege of being negatively evaluated by a bunch of hot 25-year-olds.
Can I undo my last swipe?
Look. You need to commit to something in your life. Not even a person, or a relationship. Just a swipe. One single swipe. Look at the picture—it’s a woman. She’s on the beach, by a volleyball net. She’s smiling, but you can tell that she’s faking. She went to college, got a job, and now is at the beach on the weekend, doing what you’re supposed to do. But why isn’t she happy? She knows that one day she and everyone she knows will be dead. And with that knowledge, what’s the point of playing beach volleyball? But still: She wakes up, puts her hair in a ponytail, puts on a turquoise swimsuit, and goes to meet her friend for some light and ultimately meaningless intramural action. Look at her photo. Peer into her eyes. She knows more than you. Could you make her happy? Probably not. But maybe you could try. You resolve to try. Now take your index finger, place it on the screen, and swipe. Swipe for your future, for your hopes and your dreams, for the possibility of a moment of pure joy when you’re on the beach, too, with her, feeling the sun on your face and the sand beneath your feet and the awareness that no matter what comes after this moment, this now can never not happen. Swipe and exist inside of your truth. Believe it, live it, and don’t look back. Also: no.
How do I change my location?
Move.
I don’t have any Matches.
Give your phone to your 8-year-old nephew with the instruction to right-swipe everything for 20 minutes. If you still don’t have any matches, try using a photo with fewer facial tattoos/eyepatches/nipples.
How do I post a Moment?
Take a picture of what you’re doing right now. Pretend that it’s interesting. Post it. Realize it’s not interesting. Feel shame.
I don’t have any Moments.
We know.
Can I message someone I haven’t matched with?
Yes. It’s called every other dating app in the world.
Can I unblock someone?
Because the dude who wanted to lick your toe knuckles may be The One after all?
Photo via MCAD Library/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)