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A 23-year-old-man turned to Reddit for advice on his sex life. His problem? He can’t have sex without bumping black metal.
“My new girlfriend doesn’t like that kind of music, and I believe I have a pavlovian response to my music. I cannot get aroused without my music,” he wrote in the “Personal Issues” subreddit. “What do you think I should do?”
He says his previous sexual partners didn’t care about what kind of music was on, but his 25-year-old girlfriend does.
“Some of them enjoyed that kind of music and some had no preference,” he wrote. “One was deaf, so I don’t think she cared either.”
But, his girlfriend likes to listen to “Midwest Emo bands that aren’t really from the Midwest.”
“No problem for me, I really enjoy that kind of music. However my dick did not,” he wrote.
To appease both himself and his girlfriend, he tried to have sex with AirPods in so that he could listen to his black metal.
“AirPods in, music on, and dick hard,” he wrote of the “genius plan.”
Even though people are having sex with AirPods in at an ever-increasing rate, his girlfriend was not OK with it.
the now-deleted Reddit post was later reposted on Twitter.
My (M23) pavlovian response is ruining my sex life pic.twitter.com/m37S8cL5Zp— relationships.txt (@redditships) July 18, 2019
The redditor might have made it seem like his girlfriend is unwilling to compromise in his original post. However, he later admitted that he was actually just too embarrassed to tell her the truth.
“I am a little scared of what she will think of me if I tell her but I think that is what I have to do,” he wrote in response to another redditor.
Others gave him practical suggestions for changing his er, habits.
While it might seem like a fairly unique problem, another user reported having a similar one.
Everyone was kind and helpful on Reddit. Twitter users, however, were not.
brb texting all the guys i know to ask if their boners are made of love lmaoooo— Jaylee Jamesヾ( ･`⌓´･)ﾉﾞworks too much (@thewritingj) July 19, 2019
As someone who grew up jacking off to Yakety Sax, I feel his pain.— Jefferson Ornithopter (@TimInTheIce) July 18, 2019
I dont actually care about his predicament, i just want him to be jailed for how he talks about sex-— kel🦆🦆🦆 (@fionarockwell) July 18, 2019
"Hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing"
"I dont want a boner made from pills i want a boner made from love"
i can only listen to sleep by dopesmoker when i fuck but my girlfriend only likes american football. please help this is ruining my relationship— /u/alaweis (@og_hapsburg) July 18, 2019
A lot of people were distracted by how the redditor spoke about sex.
I would like to discuss the author's choice to twice write euphemisms for sex (in quotes) before giving up and just going with "fucking" - what's going on there? What's happening? Let's dig in to that.— real prime woman (@RhiannonAdmidas) July 18, 2019
“Hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing”— Amy is proud of Dan and Phil (@SushiRollPhan) July 18, 2019
God I wish people would just say "have sex" instead of coming up with random weird euphemisms. I also hate the weird overuse of quotation marks— Ross (@queer_hellenic) July 18, 2019
"hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing".... I.. What??— 98 percent bees (@TeresaMarieR) July 18, 2019
Don’t kinkshame his foot fetish 😂— Alison (@tudorgrrrl) July 18, 2019
I have nothing meaningful to contribute in the way of advice, but I’m absolutely adopting “hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing” into my lexicon.— Kimberly Anne (@QuirKAnneSnark) July 18, 2019
At least one user’s day was made by reading the story, so at least some good came out of the whole mess.
this has to be my favourite story yet— Yuino👓✨ 🐀💕 (@YuinoSery) July 18, 2019
- Man blasted for making his coworkers babysit his child
- Dang it, people are now keeping AirPods in during sex
- Man asks his girlfriend to ‘unlove’ her ex—and people do not agree with him
- Redditor’s in-laws treat mice figurines as sentient members of the family
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Siobhan Ball is a historian, archivist, and journalist. She also writes for Autostraddle and bi.org