Marlis Börger/ flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Max Fleishman

Here’s the only Facebook privacy notice you’ll ever need

Protect yourself.

Feb 29, 2020, 6:43 pm*

Internet Culture

 

Miles Klee

Pssst, hey. Couldn’t help but notice you posted that viral Facebook privacy notice that’s been going around. Little advice? All that legalese may sound official, but it’s not going to hold up in court.

If you want to cover all your bases where Facebook privacy is concerned, you’re going to have to get your facts straight. That’s why we’re providing you with a notice that’ll actually work:

Here’s the full text for you to copy and paste:

As of September 29th, 2015 at 12:30pm Eastern standard time, I, [YOUR NAME], being of sound body and mind, am hereby officially enjoining Facebook (and any entities associated with Facebook) not to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future, in the training of reptilian spies from the Draco constellation as they seek to infiltrate human society with the ultimate aim of subjugating Earth and eating all our hamsters. This legally binding status update also serves as a subpoena for Mark Zuckerberg, who along with his lizard brethren the Winklevoss twins abducted me via tractor beam in 2003 and stole the idea for Facebook from my subconscious while I was held in suspended animation aboard mothership H.M.S. Iguanasaurus Rex. Failure to appear at a scheduled deposition before a mammalian lawyer can be punished by law (UCC 1-308-11 308-103 and statute Anole). It is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, or distribute gecko propaganda against me based on this profile, which is private and confidential information. NOTE: Facebook is now, and has always been, a public front for planetary mass invasion. All members must post a note like this, or the emoji equivalent. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be a tacit admission of your collaboration with the Draconian enemy, and you may be executed on sight. DO NOT SHARE you MUST copy and paste because THEY have not figured out those keyboard shortcuts yet!!!

Yep, that’s airtight. You’re welcome.

Photo via Marlis Börger/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Max Fleishman

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*First Published: Sep 30, 2015, 1:19 pm