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The wild, profane world of Pope Francis’s @-replies

The good, the crude, and the existential.
This article contains explicit material.
Pope Francis is known as a man of firsts. He’s the first pontiff to say that atheists may ascend to the kingdom of heaven. The first to auction his Harley-Davidson motorcycle and give the proceeds to a soup kitchen in Rome. Hell, he’s the first to pick the name “Francis.” And, as a leader with his holy fingers on the pulse of the planet, he’s also the first to fully embrace Twitter as a pulpit.
Humility saves man: pride makes him lose his way.
— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) March 9, 2015
.@Pontifex Once again, this Pope seems to reveal he is a socialist. This is not a good sign.
— Warner Todd Huston (@warnerthuston) April 28, 2014
Amen brother! RT @Pontifex: Indifference towards those in need is not acceptable for a Christian.
— Craig Philbrick (@craigphilbrick) November 6, 2014
@pontifex Thank you Holy Father
— Catholic FAQ (@CatholicFAQ) July 19, 2014
@Pontifex why lie?
— James Palmer (@JamPal32) February 28, 2015
In his three years on the platform, Pope Francis has tweeted only 524 times—about once every two days. Each post is carefully crafted, punctuated, and translated across parallel accounts. All possess an elegant simplicity meant to ensure the broadest impact among Francis’s 5.72 million followers. But some of these people aren’t here to be saved.

@Pontifex SLAP MY VAGINA WITH A BIBLE
— RICHEE (@richeeofficial) April 11, 2014
.@Pontifex She should really mix it up a bit if she wants to keep it fresh. The occasional reverse cowgirl wouldn’t hurt.
— Gary Dunion (@garydunion) July 17, 2014
In the early days of blogs and YouTube, users would rush to comment “first!” or “first post!” before anyone else had had a chance to respond to a post. It was a way of claiming discovery, or to brag about being slightly ahead of the curve. Here in the midst of a sharing economy, however, we tend to converge on content with frightening simultaneity—and so the only way to leave one’s mark is with an unforgettable response.
Whether profane, irreverent, or bracingly blunt, these quipsters strain to stand out in threads that quickly extend to hundreds of replies. Each vulgarity or non-sequitur is an invitation to someone else: Can you top this?
He’s like a funky Yoda RT @Pontifex War never again! Never again war!
— Owen Jones (@OwenJones84) September 2, 2013
The entire Internet puts its gloss on two millennia of history and hypocrisy, redemption and fanaticism.
It’s fitting that a pope who speaks of the need to steer the Catholic church away from hot-button ideological issues and focus on working directly with impoverished and marginalized people would have a digital “open door” policy.
On the other hand, it’s not as if he ever replies; it’s unclear if he even reads the abuse and snark hurled his way on a daily basis. Certainly he isn’t reporting anyone for harassment. (He does believe in the power of mercy.)
@Pontifex my dude it is 1 am are you shitting me
— jon hendren (@fart) August 15, 2014
@Pontifex I lost my virginity , can you help me find it
— SLFL Manila/54 days (@LukesReject) October 23, 2014
@Pontifex Have you seen the movie True Romance?
— Brendan® (@ChiBDM) January 29, 2015
@Pontifex fuck me and pour KFC gravy down my ass crack then get a long curly straw and drink it while i nibble on your sweet titties
— Pia Mia Perez News (@PiaVEVO) March 4, 2014
@Pontifex you drop that acid my son
— George (@pasparakis) August 13, 2014
this just in: @Pontifex still lives in a giant palace full of gold and priceless art, protected at all times by swiss guards
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) March 9, 2015
@Pontifex I cannot believe I was able to lose so much weight! Thanks again for sharing babe! http://t.co/3sn1M8j6eQ
— Debra Bisi (@CraftEvolve) August 15, 2014
RT “@Pontifex: Let us allow God to fill our arses with his girth and juices.”
Blimey.
— i.am.starman™ (@AsTallAsHerEyes) March 17, 2015
@pontifex poop
— IKE (@CrazedPackRat) August 16, 2014
@Pontifex Taylor Swift is better than God!
— Taylor Swift (@sIaylorswift) May 30, 2014
.@Pontifex Hi mate, just wondering if you think Magath will stay at Fulham this summer or go to Southampton? #COYWs
— harryfre (@HarryFremantle) June 2, 2014
In addition to casual hecklers from the peanut gallery, Francis has his share of dedicated trolls, many of whom will use an innocuous tweet about religious fulfillment or dedicated prayer as a springboard for theological debate with devout Catholics. The resulting threads can read like transcripts from the public squares and salons of yore. Arguments frequently turn heated and chaotic, but as long as people are wrestling with these issues, it would seem that Francis has done his job.
Prayer is all-powerful. Let us use it to bring peace to the Middle East and peace to the world. #weprayforpeace
— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 7, 2014

via Twitter
We can say whatever we like to him—and saying it at all becomes what’s truly important.
This is the grand experiment of Pope Francis’s life on Twitter: offer stripped-down spiritual wisdom (which scans as platitudinous more often than not) and see how long it takes to reconfirm Godwin’s Law. With the slightest nudge from a man occupying a literal throne of unparalleled power and influence, the entire Internet scrambles to put their gloss on two millennia of history and hypocrisy, redemption and fanaticism.
@Pontifex he certainly wasn’t there for that 9 month old who got her throat slit with a circular saw by her aunt.
— The Daily Show Couch (@TDSCouch) March 10, 2015
@Pontifex You are not even the pope are you? Just some flunky faking it for him.
— Andy Salem (@AndySalem) July 12, 2014
@Pontifex What does that mean?
— Rich Pawlak (@esterrick) December 8, 2014
Perhaps the value of a Twitter Pope is in the way he embodies the contradictions of a Christian god. “He” can “tell” us things through a flawed medium, and we react, but we never know if he’s listening, and we’re forced to take it on faith that he’s there at all. The upshot? We can say whatever we like to him—and saying it at all becomes what’s truly important.
@Pontifex pray for my partner Albert he is diabetes and lost his legs. He’s in pain all the time and all he wants to do is die.
— Eric Johnston (@notgoing2stop) November 4, 2014
@Pontifex crows fly away from me when i come near them 😉
— ferry 21 mei 1981 (@GodDeVader999) July 19, 2014
@Pontifex Errare humanum, perseverare diabolicum
— Placide Muhigana (@humpla) March 4, 2014
@Pontifex I think we’ll have to agree to disagree.
— Bob & Flo (@wickwar) September 25, 2014
“@Pontifex: From the cross, Christ teaches us to love even those who do not love us.” Why do i even follow you !?!?
— C (@ALLTIMECARLA) August 28, 2014
Illustration by Max Fleishman

Miles Klee
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'