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Baseball fans have interesting ways of dealing with disastrous starts to their team’s seasons. Forget the fact that players have a long road ahead of them. Every single one of those 162 regular season games can feel like life or death to an avid follower.
So we set the god damn single game attendance record of 47,065 fans. And we lose. What a fucking embarrassment
— Did The Mariners Win (@Didmariners_win) April 9, 2016
One Philadelphia Phillies fan has decided to eroticize his team’s 0-4 start by penning gripping
fanfiction phanphiction for every game, win or lose. Comedian Dan Moore takes the concept of the rebuild year and fills in the gaps, so to speak, via his Philly Sports Fanfic Tumblr.
Six stories preceded the inaugural game one tale, turning GM Ruben Amaro into a man hellbent on the destruction of the organization while also being a guy who wanks it to “depraved Nazi porn.” Ryan Howard gives him a Stone Cold Stunner. It’s pretty quality:
“Ahahaha Ryan Howard! You were the worst contract I ever signed, my first act of sabotage against the Phillies! Defend me!” cried Ruben Amaro, cowering behind his desk and his Nazi porn.
Ryan Howard took a long look at Ruben and then a long look at Chase Utley and Cole Hamels. Then, in a cool, deep voice, he said: “WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS” and gave Ruben Amaro the Stone Cold Stunner.
Chase Utley, Cole Hamels and Ryan Howard drank beers and talked about winning the 2008 World Series that day. Then the Dodgers called and traded Yasiel Puig plus some pitching prospects to the Phillies for Cole Hamels. The Phillies agreed to pick up the remainder of Cole Hamels’s salary in the deal.
In addition to providing player stats, Moore offers a glimpse at a far hornier, almost psychedelic version of life in professional sports. No member of the Philadelphia sports community is left off limits no matter how fringe, from former Phillies prez and minority owner David Montgomery to members of the 76ers. Turns out the NBA franchise could seriously benefit from some hot gay sex. No wonder they’re a paltry 10-69 (nice).
Phillies fans are still waiting for a win from their beloved but seriously awful team. They’re probably better off waiting to see when the Philly Phanatic will make his oversexed appearance in Moore’s stories, however. For now, the only wins the team appears to be accruing are in (fan)fiction.
A former Weekend Editor at the Daily Dot, April Siese's reporting covers everything from technology and politics to web culture and humor. Her work has been published by Bustle, Uproxx, Death and Taxes, Rolling Stone, the Daily Beast, Thrillist, Atlas Obscura, and others. Siese joined Quartz in December 2016.