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8 more things Obama will rename now that he’s conquered Mount McKinley

Get ready for some big changes, America.


Miles Klee

Internet Culture

Posted on Aug 31, 2015   Updated on May 28, 2021, 1:39 am CDT

Americans who hate President Barack Obama just found another reason to complain about their commander-in-chief.

Obama announced late Sunday that he would use his executive authority to revert “Mount McKinley,” the tallest peak in North America, to its original Alaskan Native name, “Denali.”

Given that President McKinley only became the mountain’s namesake because of a gold prospector’s joke—and that “Denali” is already common usage locally—it felt like a no-brainer. But conservatives still lunged into a predictably rabid and uninformed response.

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Well, these people had better strap in for the long haul. Anonymous sources tell the Daily Dot that Obama is just getting started on what’s already being called a “National Renaming Tour.” Here are some other executive nomenclature tweaks we can expect in the coming weeks and months, per our sources.

1) “Parkway”/“Driveway”

“For too long,” Obama has reportedly told his Cabinet in private meetings, “people have idly wondered why we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway, costing the country untold cognitive capital and productivity. Let’s just swap these words and put the matter to rest.”

2) “Chicago”

Though it served as the base of operations for Obama’s two successful presidential campaigns and a backdrop to much of his life, the city of Chicago will be renamed “Kenyatown” to make it seem “more like home,” the president has promised the African Illuminati who dictate his every move.

3) “Golf”

This is already in the works, though Tiger Woods will make the official announcement.

4) “The U.S. Constitution”

Obama’s critics have accused him of ignoring the oldest tenets of our nation’s founding document and actively subverting its core principles. So imagine what they’ll say when Obama rebrands the U.S. Constitution as “Starbucks and Verizon Present: Tthe Fancy Paper Signed by a Bunch of Slaveowners in Puffy Wigs.”

5) “Moist”

Like many of his constituents, Obama cannot stand the adjective “moist,” and has therefore assembled an exploration committee to suggest a replacement. That replacement is still TBD.

6) “2016 presidential election”

You didn’t hear it from me, but if you’re a political reporter and want to snare the trending topic when it goes viral, you might want to replace the term “2016 presidential election” with “All Hail #EmperorObama, The Great and Eternal Leader of the United States and Protector of Mexico” in your stories.

7) “The Grand Canyon”

It’s the only other geographic landmark on Obama’s list, but it’s a doozy. Searching for a name that better conjured the majesty of this awe-inspiring southwestern vista, his advisers first gravitated toward “the Amazing Canyon” and then “the Kickass Canyon” before ultimately settling on a name Obama came up with after secretly reading through his daughters’ text messages for terms that appealed to millennials.

Yep, you guessed it: “Bae Canyon.”  

8) “The White House”

It’s really more eggshell than white.

Photo via The U.S. Army/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Aug 31, 2015, 5:54 pm CDT