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Nimrod Kamer does not use Twitter like the rest of us—and that’s a good thing.
Twitter has given me so much. Not even bragging, it made me a local patrician of the youth, as I coined a few exclusive youthemisms for my fans, idioms such as YOLT (you only live twice), YODA (you only die alone credit goes to @NeinQuarterly), Procrasturbate (procrastinate + masturbate) and Forrealism (surrealism for real).
I started fighting cyberbullies and analog-crooks, defending my lot from the dangerous world of unfavoriting and unblocking. I’ve done all that whilst trying to keep the number of my followees (people I follow) as low as possible, so I can hit the golden number of tweets per followers (this number is Pi).
Everything became even more concrete one day in November 2012 when I turned verified and people started believing that I’m actually a person, and that Nimrod is a real name. The blue tick of authenticity led me to nail many interviews and become a super-sleuth reporter on the virtue of my bio. I also became a Vine singer.
Singing HAIM https://t.co/lCd6Lb69Yb
— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) February 2, 2014
Here’s what I’m doing daily to preserve my @ed uniqueness:
Screw# with hashtagging
Place hashtags after a euphemism, not before. Example: Dysphemism#. This way, people pay more attention to my tweets, as they come to a final stop, one that links you to nowhere else on the Web. I never tweet links and keep the @s to a minimum, if I must I always (@) in brackets, refusing to play Twitter’s game of mentionings and tagging. My profile is so much purer and free of commercial pressure. No clickable hashtags means no sponsoredtweets# and I’m loving it.
As a verified man, I always remember to unfollow other verified men and women, publicly, alongside other nonverified but highly-followed people. Clicking unfollow is, by nature, a public action, so one must own up to it. And spray it all over the place. Sometimes I mess with the system by apologizing to socialites that I’ve unfollowed, even though I never followed them in the first place. And they fall for it every time. Unless they’re the type of obsessed people who use quitter-style apps that tell them who actually unfollowed.
Twitter celebs live in the illusion that they really don’t mind who follows them or unfollows them. Until they do.
Sorry for unfollowing, @HuntsmanAbby
— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) February 3, 2014
I also encourage folks to unfollow me, all the time.
Unfollow me https://t.co/m6dDmd6OEb 🚬💊
— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) February 3, 2014
Every time I retweet someone, I immediately unretweet it, after no longer than five minutes. Users just shouldn’t feel too comfortable getting a notification that I RTed them, thinking it’s some kind of an endorsement for life. It’s not. I won’t allow it to go down in Topsy’s history. I just won’t. I can’t have my timeline inflicted by non-me items for more than a brief moment. Soz.
Guys don’t spam 5sos for a follow: retweet it, wait ten seconds, unretweet and retweet again
— الآيس كريم. (@pajamanarry) February 3, 2014
Favoriting and then unfavoriting my own tweets is my favorite past time. Twitter HQ don’t know what’s going on with my account due to this. They think so many people share my verified password, and override each other constantly hitting and unhitting the fav button. To be honest I did actually give my account’s password to five of my favorite ex girlfriends (for lolz). They promised not to pass it on to others.
I threaten to delete my tweets after they’re embedded on sites like Gawker, thus ruining Twitter’s thing of encouraging outlets to embed tweets all day as if they were YouTube videos. A Gawker article could become obsolete once a tweet of mine that was its centerpiece is no longer available, and they will beg me to keep it. I already sent Gawker two invoices for a pay-for-keep-tweet that it used. Unfortunately, this is now the only honest way of making a living out of sheer tweeting.
Screengrab via Gawker
Fake News RTs
Fake manual RTs. I learned this from a few legends. Just write R and then T and then @Reuters or @AFP and invent the news. I did it many times to @FedEx and @UPS. It’s fun to cut half a news tweet and add any other news bit that you may believe in. The Onion does too, obviously, but it tells everyone it’s satire, so why do they even bother? If the Onion love it so much when a Chinese site accidentally takes them seriously, why not change their name to RT @AP and get it over with?
RT @RoyalMail: Better start printing up some Prince Charles stamps just in case
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) March 4, 2013
RT @Reuters: Fake Mandela interpreter: ‘I Killed Mandela’
— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) December 14, 2013
Everyone should tweet the same tweet automatically on Sunday and Monday using @IFTTT. It will go on well after we die if we do it right. Many services are in place now to allow my followers to think that I am always awake, thus removing the instantaneous ‘live’ reporting element that Twitter, Inc. is so proud of. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anyone I know who really tweets whilst they’re alive. Not to mention time zones.
Thank Heidi its Montag.
— Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd) May 27, 2013
Thank Susan it’s Sontag.
— Nein. (@NeinQuarterly) January 19, 2014
I dare the @verified account to unfollow me frequently. This account is supposed to follow everyone who is verified. If they ever unfollow me and I’m still verified, it means I’m special and a one-of-a-kind user. Currently there are 54,000 verified people in the world, according to the number of people followed by (@)verified. My wet dream is to get the password for this account.
Ladies, part 1
When I hit on a lovely lady via Twitter, I will suddenly unfollow her in the middle of a feisty DM conversation so that she can’t DM me anymore and has to go public to tell me more things. I, on my part, will keep DMing her asking what’s wrong (assuming she still follows). I will insist it’s a malfunction and that somehow Twitter doesn’t let me follow her anymore. One way chat conversations are the best. They’re the only way to really discover the other person.
Ladies, part 2
Block myself on Twitter from a lady’s phone. How? When I meet a girl IRL (though even IRL I only speak to 10K+ followed females), I will take her phone, pretend to type in my details so she can find me, but then quickly go to my account and block myself, so then she’ll never be able to get me, or will be surprised when she does find me, but notices she already blocked me. Then she thinks we must’ve met before and there’s a grudge that she can’t really pinpoint. Then I act hurt and it takes just a few more days to consummate, given that I blocked her in the meantime so the only thing left to do is do it.
I will block each and every brand that pops up as a promoted tweet on my feed. It’s a sport. And it will eventually let me know how many companies have signed up for a promoted tweet deal with Twitter©. I keep on blocking them as they pop, counting every block I make (there is no block list provided by (@)twitter) till they run out of brands to feed me. Then I’ll know I’m free to refresh without fear.
Screengrab via KateSpadeNY/Twitter
Photo of Nimrod Kamer via Wired
Nimrod Kamer is a journalist and satirist based in the U.K. whose work has appeared in the GQ, Vice, Wired, the Guardian and Huffington Post, as well as on BBC Newsnight. He is the author of The Social Climber's Handbook: A Shameless Guide.