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Insert your favorite “mustache ride” joke here.
Look, we’ll be honest: We’re pretty mad we didn’t think of this first. Perhaps we were too busy grooming our own mustaches to consider the possibilities of premium silicone, and now we’ve paid the price.
Sex-accessory site Screaming O has invented a vibrating mustache toy.
The MustachiO™, a disposable device, can be worn by anyone, whether they’re too young or lack the right hormones for mustache growth or just want to augment the facial hair they already have. It “features a single-speed motor with a convenient on/off switch and a fancy strap to keep it securely in place” and has more than 30 minutes of battery life—at $13.95, that’s less than $2 per minute of mustachioed pleasure!
Unfortunately, there are no user reviews online as yet, which means it’s all the more incumbent upon you—yes you, sitting right there, hello—to buy a few and get experimental. You could throw a party in which everyone is required to wear one, or just set it buzzing on your face while you ride public transit. As the ad copy assures us, they make “every sexual encounter into an elegant affair,” but why limit yourself to the bedroom? With these finely sculpted handlebars, available in both black and pink, you’re prepared for almost any occasion. Especially that audition to become the new Pringles mascot.
Photo by Kay Harpa/Flickr
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'