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Brian Sloan is on a quest to find the world’s most beautiful asshole, and he needs your help.
Sloan is the mad perv and hype man behind some of the kinkiest sex toys to hit the market in recent years. His Autoblow 2, a blowjob simulator, raised over $330,000 on the crowdfunding site Indiegogo in 2014, and he’s managed to surprise, delight, and generally creep out the internet ever since.
“The anus is a special hole, for sure not as desired as the mouth or vulva, but desired nonetheless,” Sloan says. “Every man enjoys a bit of orifice variation now and again, but… for many, it can only be enjoyed artificially.”
The competition works essentially the same as the last two iterations. People submit photos to the contest site, with a hashtag used for validation purposes. The metadata is scrubbed from the photos, and participants have the option of using an alias, though Sloan takes no responsibility if you happen to have a readily identifiable asshole.
“Everything we do has an element of danger,” he says.
From there, it’s up to the connoisseurs of the web to decide whose puckered colon-gate ranks highest, using a 10-star rating system. There are 84 entries thus far on the (obviously NSFW) leaderboard, and a surprising number of the contestants appear to be using their real names and showing their faces. The vast majority are of women. Only one is a Barbie.
The three winners will split $10,000, but the money comes with some serious strings attached. They’ll each have their assholes 3D-scanned for Sloan so he can mass manufacture replicas for dudes to pound (and ladies to finger-bang?) from here to eternity.
The previous two contests played out similarly, but both had complications.
More than 1,000 men from around the world submitted photos for Balls Beauty Pageant, and 20,315 people voted. The resulting data analysis, which identified six classes of scrotums based on such factors as testicle similarity and the ratio between the space between testicles and total height, makes for some fascinating reading, but it’s not for the faint of heart. Shockingly, the scientists concluded that voters found all six types equally unappealing. That included Sloan’s.
“I discreetly competed in the balls contest thinking I would score in the top 10 percent,” Sloan says. “But the world voted, and they voted my balls into the bottom 65 percent of all contestants.”
The result of the late 2015 contest was a product called Wall Balls, which Sloan describes as “an electroplated fiberglass sculpture made from the 3D scan and photographs of the second place man’s balls.” (Why the runner-up? The winner lived in Australia, and Sloan couldn’t find a 3D-scanning company that was willing to scan the man’s balls, though he insists all three finalists were still paid.) Sloan says the advertising video has already been filmed and a crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo is set to launch next month, with a starting price of $50. Who wouldn’t want to brighten up their room with one of these?
The Vagina Beauty Contest, by contrast, gave the world two different functional products, both modeled off the winners, which will be hitting the market in early 2017. One is a sleeve of the woman’s vulva that’s meant to cover the Autoblow 2 (retail $29.95), and the other is what Sloan calls a “vagina stroker” (retail $49.95), a handheld device whose purpose should be pretty self-explanatory.
“The market size for male pleasure devices is far larger than people outside of the adult toys industry would ever believe,” claims Sloan, adding that he’s sold about 100,000 Autoblow 2 units in the last two years.
Sloan actually ran into some technical issues during the vagina beauty contest getting a good 3D scan of one of the winner’s genitalia. He’s hoping he can avoid similar malfunctions this time around.
“We can only hope that the winners anuses are relatively textured,” Sloan says. “I’ll be praying for texture.”
Austin Powell is the former managing editor of the Daily Dot. His work focuses on the intersection of entertainment and technology. He previously served as a music columnist for the Austin Chronicle and is the co-author of The Austin Chronicle Music Anthology.