Kurt Eichenwald, centrist Newsweek columnist and 2016’s shittiest Twitter user, is a favorite target of Weird Twitter jokesters because of his seemingly infinite capacity for self-owns. He just can’t stop making himself look bad, and his response is often to dig the hole deeper. Which is why, on Thursday, Eichenwald went on a tweetstorm about tentacle porn.
The fun began around 10pm Wednesday when Eichenwald tweeted out a photo of some hateful anti-Semitic propaganda he’d been sent. It didn’t have the effect he intended, though, because his browser window was visible in the background of the photo, and there was a big ol’ cartoon porn tab open there.
https://twitter.com/memealchemy/status/872680972990402561
“Hentai” is the Japanese term for x-rated comic art, and Eichenwald had seemingly exposed himself as being deeply into it. The tab he had open [NSFW] is from a site called Hentai Rules, and it features a cartoon panel of a young-looking anime girl spreading her legs and saying “Make sure you pop it in and out slowly.”
Here's the specific porn. pic.twitter.com/GOy7lNQXeQ
— ( ಠ ͜ʖ ಠ) Your opinion (@ReallyNotAMoose) June 8, 2017
For the Venn diagram of Weird Twitter and Leftist Twitter that loves dunking on Eichenwald, this was like Christmas in June. The jokes came hard and fast, all night long and into the morning.
i thought the big news today would be the uk election or comey but it's kurt eichenwald accidentally revealing that he honks off to hentai
— leon (@leyawn) June 8, 2017
Today's elections have been postponed in order to give the British people time to process Kurt Eichenwald's Hentai Goof.
— C. Everett Cope (@cushbomb) June 8, 2017
alright well 6 years of trying to follow what's happening on twitter dot com has led up to me searching "Kurt Eichenwald Hentai" at 3am
— Down Here For Your Soul (@bombsfall) June 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/red_destin/status/872695195112017921
Eichenwald didn’t respond until Thursday afternoon, and his explanation of the errant hentai tab was even more of a gift to the internet than the original goof. He claimed he wasn’t actually masturbating to the cartoon porn, he was actually trying to prove something to his wife. Here’s his tweetstorm about “tentacle porn”:
Sigh. Ok, I'm a dumbass. Believe it or not, my kids & I were trying to convince my wife that "tentacle porn" existed. I tried to find…(1)
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) June 8, 2017
…some to show her it was real. But I couldn't find any – & ended up w/ this. My family reads my twitter feed, so they know this is true.
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) June 8, 2017
While hentai (until now, I thought it was called manga) was on screen as part of search to prove 2 my wife tentacle porn exists, what….(1)
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) June 8, 2017
…diff would it make? Seriously, while I don't see the appeal of cartoon parn, porn is a multi-billion industry. Pple obviously look at it.
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) June 8, 2017
No one hacked my account. We were searching to prove to my wife tentacle porn exists. See text convo. I only removed names and drug names. pic.twitter.com/EMHYlYKcPf
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) June 8, 2017
So, to sum up, Eichenwald’s explanation is that his wife did not believe tentacle porn existed, so he and his sons endeavored to prove it to her by opening a hentai comic that apparently doesn’t include any tentacles.
https://twitter.com/libbycwatson/status/872861790060806145
And in the process of verifying his story to the world, he posted a text with his wife where he asks “were our (adult) sons and i trying to prove to you that tentacle porn exists?”
This only exacerbated the weirdness of his explanation, and it also invoked the “large adult sons” meme, which was at one time hugely popular on Weird Twitter. Honestly, he couldn’t have made a better joke if he’d meant to.
Rather than resolving anything, Eichenwald’s tweetstorm only brought more attention to the hentai flub. Even if you take him at his word, his defense is a truth funnier than any fiction.
mom i'm watching hentai for uhhhh a school project on japan. Also a bird flew into the room and pulled down my pants https://t.co/BDAZnfmbSc
— leon (@leyawn) June 8, 2017
tbh proving to his wife that tentacle porn exists is the most relatable Kurt Eichenwald has ever been
— Nick Douglas (@toomuchnick) June 8, 2017
Kurt Eichenwald is the most George Costanza-ass motherfucker that has ever lived
— Granblue Is the Warmest Colour (@alex_navarro) June 8, 2017
RT @kurteichenwald: This is his wife, I did not believe in tentacle porn until today. I have your informat
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) June 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/fart/status/872883073854996481
https://twitter.com/pattymo/status/872872782614466564
And Eichenwald’s “cartoon parn” typo has also taken on a life of its own, giving Donald Trump’s “covfefe” a run for its money:
This blows away covfefe as the greatest typo of all time https://t.co/Iva0PZvgIv
— bernie ass furlin (@thefurlinator) June 8, 2017
CARTOON PARN https://t.co/fZD7bczBHG
— 𝖜𝖍𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝖙𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖓 (@30000MONKIES) June 8, 2017
Cartoon Parn https://t.co/WrpANehvx7
— – (@Gnarsenic) June 8, 2017
The Hentai man is in my mentions. If I tag three friends I will have a bountiful harvest of cartoon parn. pic.twitter.com/PicLm6Eeiy
— My name is Grant (@Gen_Ironicus) June 8, 2017
Why is "cartoon parn" so funny?
— Barbara (@rosavertov) June 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/BillionDeadCops/status/872879578674601984
On a day where the rest of the news highlights intense political divisions, it’s nice that the internet can come together to agree on one thing: mocking Kurt Eichenwald.