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“The Elf on the Shelf” is already the creepiest of all holiday traditions. Created in 2005 by Carol Aebersold, the elf originally came packaged with a children’s book explaining that the elf was there to spy on you and report back to Santa Claus. In fact, the book explains, children are not allowed to play with or even touch the elf. The elf is not a toy. The elf is there to watch. It’s even been suggested by serious academics that “The Elf on the Shelf” conditions children to accept surveillance by the government.
As if all this wasn’t scary enough, now the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office in Florida has decided the little guy needs a gun.
“So excited to do a work along. They told me to blend in. They said I’m a great guest because I only stay for a SHORT time. I’m just hoping we go somewhere good for 10-84 (meal break). I put in my request for, SHRIMP and strawberry SHORTcake.” - JAX JINGLES#elfontheshelf #JSO pic.twitter.com/G4uuo4cnfi— Jax Sheriff's Office (@JSOPIO) December 11, 2017
I showed up at the stadium today to help out #JSO officers. I already told them that Santa's best reindeer at football is BLITZEN. I hope they let me sing at halftime. After all, I am a wrapper! - "JAX Jingles" 🎅🏼👮🏻♂️👍🏼#elfontheshelf pic.twitter.com/W9nddfuWq0— Jax Sheriff's Office (@JSOPIO) December 10, 2017
Okay so that little vest is kind of adorable, but that doesn’t mean that people didn’t find the whole thing to be creepy AF.
thank you to the jacksonville sheriff's office for these completely unironic dystopian future images pic.twitter.com/pZbWQyvc1y— tinybaby (@tinybaby) December 11, 2017
Elf on the shelf has always been a cop.— Logan Bertram (@Not_the_boat) December 12, 2017
My kids asked why we don't do elf on the shelf. I told them it didn't exist before 911 and is a survelliance state psyop.— CT (@CollisJones) December 12, 2017
elf on the shelf is the ultimate panopticon— #gojays tad (@tad711) December 12, 2017
The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Twitter account is already known for being “humorous.” Whoever is running their account clearly considers themselves to be a bit of a comedian.
Good brrrrrr morning .... Remember not to leave your vehicle running with the keys in the ignition unattended while letting it warm up. Why? Because that’s how vehicles get stolen. pic.twitter.com/ZxiA0qHnQB— Jax Sheriff's Office (@JSOPIO) December 11, 2017
#9PMRoutine time! 🕘👮🏻♀️👍🏼 No excuses, don’t take that chance thinking it won’t happen to you. It can happen to anyone, anywhere. Remove guns and valuables from your vehicle and lock your doors. Pretty please and your #JSO thanks you. #BeepBeep pic.twitter.com/8nHchdEGIy— Jax Sheriff's Office (@JSOPIO) December 12, 2017
Happy holidays, everyone. Be good for goodness’ sake (and also because you’re being watched by a cold lifeless doll with unblinking eyes and a loaded gun).
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.