- Miley Cyrus tweets about cheating allegations and penis cake drama Thursday 6:32 PM
- ‘The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance’ dazzles with a timely tale Thursday 6:00 PM
- The DOJ emailed a white nationalist blog post to immigration judges Thursday 5:31 PM
- The Amazon rainforest is on fire–and people are using memes to cope Thursday 4:11 PM
- Microsoft contractors listened in on Xbox users Thursday 2:15 PM
- Anti-vaxxer assaults pro-vaccine lawmaker on Facebook Live (updated) Thursday 2:15 PM
- Oreos licked by singer Lewis Capaldi are being auctioned off on eBay Thursday 1:54 PM
- Zach Braff predicted Sean Spicer would be on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ 2 years ago Thursday 1:38 PM
- NYPD sergeant who watched Eric Garner die punished with lost vacation days Thursday 1:27 PM
- Brie Larson haters have a meltdown over a joke about Thor’s hammer Thursday 1:26 PM
- This comedian attempted to make fun of women on Twitter—and it did not go over well Thursday 1:04 PM
- Logan Paul wants to help the Amazon rainforest Thursday 12:36 PM
- Nutaku announces redesign and filters for LGBTQ porn games Thursday 12:25 PM
- This video of dozens of inflatable mattresses taking off in the wind is perfect Thursday 12:20 PM
- Reddit mods restore Tiananmen Square image after censorship claims Thursday 12:18 PM
Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner are the authors of the satirical self-improvement manual How to Win at Everything. Their exclusive series for the Daily Dot will teach you how to win at the only thing that matters: The Internet.
How to win at Twitter
Twitter is the microblogging platform that has transformed the way journalists, revolutionaries, and depressed 20-somethings complain about TV. How to amass legions of followers who eagerly await your every tossed-off missive? Use these tips to triumph at Twitter.
Twitter posts (or “twosts”) are limited to 140 characters—which actually comes down to 60, as you’ll want to save the last 80 characters for attention-grabbing exclamation points.
Attract new followers by using irresistible hashtags, like #Sex, #Sexxx, and #OverturnedMoneyTruck.
Choose an eye-catching avatar, like a memorable image that encapsulates your unique worldview or, alternatively, a photo of a girl with bangs.
Guarantee celebrity retweets by @-replying them with hollow compliments that also overtly hint that you’re a child with cancer.
Stick with it! The majority of Twitter accounts are eventually turned into best-selling novelty books, which in turn become sitcoms, which themselves become Peabody Award–winning documentary films.
Learn the lingo
Twitter can be intimidating for newbies if you don’t speak the language. Here’s a glossary of Twitter terminology:
DM: Deadly Mudslide
Subtweet: Any tweet sent from a submarine.
FF: Short for Waffles
A final Twitter tip
Some cultural events or news stories require thoughtful contemplation before you weigh in—so give yourself at least 15 seconds before telling everyone your opinion.
Photo via Internet Archive | Remix by Jason Reed
Daniel Kibblesmith is an Emmy-nominated writer, cartoonist, and comedian from Oak Park, Illinois. He is a staff writer for 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert' and a founding editor of ClickHole. He is the co-author of the humor book 'How to Win at Everything.'