How to win at Twitter

Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner are the authors of the satirical self-improvement manual How to Win at Everything. Their exclusive series for the Daily Dot will teach you how to win at the only thing that matters: The Internet.

How to win at Twitter

Jason Reed

Twitter is the microblogging platform that has transformed the way journalists, revolutionaries, and depressed 20-somethings complain about TV. How to amass legions of followers who eagerly await your every tossed-off missive? Use these tips to triumph at Twitter.

Jason Reed

Twitter posts (or “twosts”) are limited to 140 characters—which actually comes down to 60, as you’ll want to save the last 80 characters for attention-grabbing exclamation points.

Max Fleishman

Attract new followers by using irresistible hashtags, like #Sex, #Sexxx, and #OverturnedMoneyTruck.

Jason Reed

Choose an eye-catching avatar, like a memorable image that encapsulates your unique worldview or, alternatively, a photo of a girl with bangs.

Max Fleishman

Guarantee celebrity retweets by @-replying them with hollow compliments that also overtly hint that you’re a child with cancer.

Max Fleishman

Stick with it! The majority of Twitter accounts are eventually turned into best-selling novelty books, which in turn become sitcoms, which themselves become Peabody Award–winning documentary films.

Jason Reed

Learn the lingo

Twitter can be intimidating for newbies if you don’t speak the language. Here’s a glossary of Twitter terminology:

RT: Retweet

MT: Megatweet

Max Fleishman

DM: Deadly Mudslide

Max Fleishman

Subtweet: Any tweet sent from a submarine.

FF: Short for Waffles

Jason Reed

A final Twitter tip

Some cultural events or news stories require thoughtful contemplation before you weigh in—so give yourself at least 15 seconds before telling everyone your opinion.

Jason Reed

Photo via Internet Archive | Remix by Jason Reed