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Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that someone gave you a five-pound gummy bear for Christmas. Let’s further suppose that you have no plans to gnaw on it for the next month, nor do you have access to a pack of feral children willing to tear it apart in a piranha-like frenzy.
Given these conditions, there’s just one suitable course of action: freeze the thing with liquid nitrogen and unload a 12-gauge shotgun into its corn-syrup heart. A few times. Trust us.
Watch out, oversize chocolate Easter bunnies—you’re next.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'