- People on Twitter ask whose ancestors would’ve passed immigrant ‘wealth test’ Monday 6:54 PM
- Kobe Bryant helicopter crash mocked in teen’s TikTok video Monday 6:38 PM
- Chiefs, Bears, Packers have Twitter accounts hacked Monday 3:48 PM
- Washington Post reporter suspended amid backlash over Kobe Bryant tweet Monday 3:08 PM
- America is united in hating Ken Starr’s impeachment hat Monday 3:01 PM
- In ‘Cuties,’ the contradictions of growing up come to a head Monday 1:55 PM
- Racist tweets blame fruit bat soup for coronavirus Monday 1:25 PM
- What is the #ILeftTheGOP movement? Monday 1:21 PM
- The Grammys were weird and sad—but the Billy Porter hat memes offered some levity Monday 12:36 PM
- Auschwitz Museum calls on Facebook to ban Holocaust denialism Monday 11:59 AM
- YouTuber who said his girlfriend was dead now says he faked it Monday 11:42 AM
- Review: Kentucky Route Zero is one of the most magical games ever made Monday 11:00 AM
- Backlash grows against Clearview as lawsuit looms Monday 10:58 AM
- Tyler the Creator calls out the Grammys for racism over ‘Rap Album’ win Monday 10:25 AM
- Democrats call on John Bolton to testify after book bombshell Monday 9:56 AM
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that someone gave you a five-pound gummy bear for Christmas. Let’s further suppose that you have no plans to gnaw on it for the next month, nor do you have access to a pack of feral children willing to tear it apart in a piranha-like frenzy.
Given these conditions, there’s just one suitable course of action: freeze the thing with liquid nitrogen and unload a 12-gauge shotgun into its corn-syrup heart. A few times. Trust us.
Watch out, oversize chocolate Easter bunnies—you’re next.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'