Giant great white leaves Australian TV anchors speechless

Land, water, air. You are not safe.

 

Feliks Garcia

Internet Culture

Published Aug 31, 2015   Updated May 28, 2021, 1:36 am CDT

Sharks are scary. Giant sharks are scarier.

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Hosts of the Australian TV show, Today, stood stunned as they watched video of a giant Great White shark break through the top of the ocean, devouring an unsuspecting… We don’t know what that was, but it was at least human-sized, which is enough to make us quiver at our desks.

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However, it’s easy to forget that humans are land animals and are completely safe from sharks, giant sharks, and their sharp-tooth, finned brethren, so long as they keep out of the water.

But in Australia, it’s the land monsters the TV anchors should worry about.

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We cannot forget these insanely large, frightening Australian animals that literally want to eat you. In fact, they are in a meeting right now discussing it. The Daily Dot recovered a transcript from their most recent gathering and published an excerpt below.

[Begin transcript]

Giant Dracula-Looking Bat: We’ve assembled this gatherin’ of the Angry Aussie Animal Coalition to collude and conspire against one [name redacted, but it is definitely you]. Do we wish to proceed with finding and eating [you, reader]?

 

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All: Aye.

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Giant Python Eating a Crocodile: Oy say we slither up on [YOU] and squeeze the life outta ‘em. Oy got me jaw-unlocking mechanism to swallow ‘em whole.

 

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Giant Spider Eating a Bird: That don’t leave much for the lot of us, does it?

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All: [inaudible yelling that definitely is about them eating you.]

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Screaming Wet Koala that May or May Not Be a Hoax: Why don’t I jump out of the bush and scream at ‘em?! Then they fall into spider’s web and ol’ slither man over here can work his jaw magic?

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Giant Python: Aye, works for me.

Giant Spider: Seconded.

Giant Bat: Then we are all in agreement. We will find and eat [you, definitely you] on the night of [date redacted]. They’ll never see us coming.

[End transcript]

So it is clear that these insanely frightening land animals are definitely after you. Maybe getting into the water doesn’t sound so scary after all. Of course, the giant python swims.

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H/T Mashable | Photo via Lwp Kommunikáció/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

 

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*First Published: Aug 31, 2015, 11:19 pm CDT