Warning: This story contains sexually explicit material and may be NSFW.
We all know that Etsy is an online marketplace for vintage and hand-crafted jewelry, clothing and accessories. But did you know, gentle reader, that Etsy is also a one-stop shop for All Things Vagina? It’s true. There are vagina doilies. There are vagina fragrant soaps (which presumably just look like them, and don’t smell like them). There are vagina Christmas ornaments. There’s even this “gold vulva with pearl clitoris” pendant that Refinery29 discovered earlier this week, which is available for $15 via TypsyGypsies. And they all look like what your college gender studies professor would have made had she put down the Judy Butler and picked up a pair of knitting needles.
I’m not a mathematician or anything, but I’d estimate that at least 172 percent of Etsy’s inventory is devoted to vagina-themed crafts. So in honor of Etsy’s vaunted reputation as the Yahoo! Shopping for yonis, we’ve assembled a sampling of the best of the best vagina-themed accessories on the website.
These “mature small vagina earrings.”
Yes, they look unusually heavy. Yes, you’ll never be able to wear them to a family function without your little cousin asking why you’re wearing wrinkled grey apricots on your ears. But they’re $39.99 and they’re real sterling silver, so if you have an allergy to nickel (as I do, holla!), you can pay homage to your lady flower without setting your earlobes aflame.
This “silver vagina ringerotic [sic].”
I could totally see Charlotte Gainsbourg wearing this for some reason, because she is hip and French, and flashing a vagina ring while drinking wine and puffing Gauloises seems like something a hip French woman would do. Like, "Screw you, society, je ne care pas about your wedding industrial complex." Or however you would say that in French.
This “pussy pendant.”
“Oh, this old thing? It's just my shaved V on a necklace. I got a Brazilian the other day and it looked so good that I had my esthetician, Sooyoung, take a photo of my business when she was done. Sooyoung was all, 'Eh, I dunno if you should go out in public wearing that,' and I was all, 'Whatever, Sooyoung, it's a feminist statement on the commodification of female sexuality, but also, like, flirty and fun.' Anyway, I think this first date is going really well. Jessica tells me you work for the Department of Sanitation? That must be interesting!"
This “lover’s necklace” with cut-out vagina and penis pendants.
For those who want to have really, really awkward tan lines when they come into the office after vacation.
These “vulva vagina feminist earrings.”
Because nothing says quirky fashion statement like a bunch of disembodied female genitals in a Mason jar.
This “vagina brooch.”
Exhibit A: in which the prosecutor attempts to prove the defendant had deep-rooted psychopathic tendencies by showing how he murdered the class pet and tried to give it to the teacher as a Valentine.
This “pretty pastel vagina ring.”
BRB, going to CVS; just got a craving for Peeps.
H/T Refinery29 | Photo by Swaminathan/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)