The 42 biggest news events of 2012, via Dr. Ruth’s sex-obsessed Twitter

“I’ll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice,” tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn’t tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she’s never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let’s recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.

Obama delivered the State of the Union:

The Giants won the Super Bowl:

Linsanity happened:

There was a solar storm:

Apple announced its retina display:

The shooting of Trayvon Martin inspired lots of hoodie discourse:

There were tornadoes:

A meteorite hit Earth:

50 Shades of Grey came out:

Nora Ephron died:

TomKat split:

Yahoo! accounts were hacked:

There was a solar flare:

The Olympics happened:

Ice caps melted:

Ebola in Uganda:

We had a very hot July:

Shark Week started:

New pyramids were discovered:

West Nile came back:

Prince Harry experienced a nude pics scandal:

Dead fish turned up in Lake Erie:

A superstorm brewed:

FEMA prepared us for a zombie attack:

Britney Spears joined X Factor:

The soft drink debate heated up:

The iPhone was released:

Looper came out:

A presidential debate was held:

Frankenweenie came out:

The Hulk Hogan sex tape leaked:

Mitt Romney said “binders full of women”:

Hurricane Sandy loomed:

Hurricane Sandy hit:

Channing Tatum was named Sexiest Man Alive:

The Mars Rover made a discovery:

Doomsday loomed:

The fungus in your cheese had weird sex:

The Newtown Massacre:

The world didn’t end:

By Rich Juzwiak // Image via Getty