After receiving “a lot of d*ck pics,” Twitter user @okcallmejay created a Twitter thread to help out the dudes sending her the photos.
“While I don’t think they are bad *as a whole*,” she writes on Twitter. “I think there’s room for improvement. I’m doing this in clothes, add or remove yours as you see fit. Behold, my cucumber!”
The thread consists of her posing, pretending the cucumber is a penis, and the captions are filled with useful advice for her followers. From common mistakes to things people should downright just not do, she’s has something for everyone.
In the first photo, she highlights one of the most common poses for d*ck pics.
“We all know this is the gold standard for cuke pics and there’s a lot to like!” the caption says. “Try to find good lighting (sun is usually best), minimize your weird feet, make your bed, and make sure your recipient wants to see this.”
Two of the other most common poses are a comparative shot, where the person holds household items next to their junk, and a standing shot that’s taken toward a messy floor.
“Are you in your kid’s room?” she writes to criticize the messy room. “What the fu*k? Are you just super messy? Also it’s blurry again, have you just never taken a picture before? You suck at this.”
One type of picture she can’t stand is a photo of someone’s junk standing over a toilet full of poop.
“NO NO NO WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.”
“Hey, this is better! I can see your body,” she writes. “You could maybe crop and get a better angle, but look at you! Using mirrors! Wow!”
To conclude the thread, she leaves everyone with a couple of pieces of advice: “Zoom out! Use timers, crop, take tons of pics til you get a good one, learn about the rule of 3rds, find your best angles––EVERYONE has good angles! And most importantly, ask if they wanna see *before* you send.”