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Chris Christie can defeat the Oregon militia by sumo wrestling this man
Going for the heavyweight title.
As an Oregon militia‘s illegal occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Preserve enters its third week—sorely testing the average American’s attention span—members are striving to keep their insurrection relevant.
What other explanation can there be for this bizarre YouTube video from militiaman Kelly Gneiting, who stomped around in a DIY adult diaper while challenging Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie to not one but 10 bouts of sumo wrestling over the Governor of New Jersey’s publicly stated hope that law enforcement brings the standoff to an end?
Gneiting’s claim that he’s Christie’s brother, his wildly depressing survivalist backdrop, and his inability to speak a dozen words without wheezing for breath—all these elements in combination make you wonder if the militia doesn’t have a genius social media director in its ranks.
But the point remains: Will Chris Christie have the courage and physical fortitude to do the right thing and grapple half-nakedly with this treasonous blob? The country waits with bated breath—and popcorn.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'