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Cards Against Humanity needs a new CEO—and only one person is qualified
Job listings these days are filled with the most flowery, nonsensical language, such that you can barely even understand what companies really want anymore.
What does “We are looking to hire an all-star social media ninja guru with excellent long-term growth potential and a savvy web point 3 two oh presence, as well as a high-energy, data-mining aficionado with a penchant for virality” even mean?
Heck if I know. Heck if anyone knows. Am I qualified? Are you qualified? No idea.
Millennial game night favorite Cards Against Humanity is looking for a new CEO, and its job posting takes away any question of whether you are qualified.
You are not.
Let’s face it: we have no idea what we’re doing. This year, we wasted an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get Hillary Clinton elected President, and on Black Friday we dug a huge hole in the ground because we wanted to find out if it would be funny. It’s been a great run, but now it’s time for real adult leadership.
We are seeking a highly qualified executive to run our company who meets the following requirements:
– Strong public speaking skills
– Steady disposition, remains cool under pressure- Willing to inherit the consequences of eight years of irresponsible spending
– Excellent negotiator able to deal with stubborn opposition- Experience hunting terrorist masterminds
– Minimum eight years experience President of the United States of America or equivalent nation- Strongly prefer the first black editor of Harvard Law Review
– Must currently hold a national approval rating of 57.2% or higher- Passed comprehensive healthcare reform
– Natural born citizen of the United States- Proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint
The ideal candidate will be excited to travel for work and be a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Women and minorities are strongly encouraged to apply.
Hmmm, well, even though you won’t get the job, at least you won’t waste time applying now. It’s refreshing to see a company so up front.
Wonder who Cards Against Humanity has in mind.
H/T AV Club
David Covucci is the Layer 8 editor at the Daily Dot, covering the intersection of politics and the web. His work has appeared in Vice, the Huffington Post, Jezebel, Gothamist, and other publications. He is particularly interested in hearing any tips you have. Reach out at [email protected]