Cuba, prepare yourself for the American fast-food invasion

Now that the United States is reestablishing diplomatic ties with Cuba after more than 50 years, the stage is set for a dissolution of the embargo that has kept the two countries from trade. That’s good news for cigar aficionados, but it also presents a major opportunity for American exports, including the most tastiest one of all: fast food.

Which chain restaurant, having reached the point of oversaturation on its home turf and in most markets around the world, should set its sites on the center of Caribbean communism? We’d say there’s a sound argument to be made for each and every one. To wit:

Burger King

As far as regime changes go, it may seem a bit regressive to opt for monarchy, though there’s no political argument to be made against a good ball pit.    

Taco Bell

“To indicate that Americans both have terrible taste in food, nonexistent levels of cultural sensitivity, and little sense of geography,” says reporter Aaron Sankin.

Wendy’s

Mascot could really use a tan.

Subway

Rebrand the subs as “missile crisis heroes” and you’re all set. Bonus: Jared can gain back the weight and still be the spokesman as long as he wears a linen suit and a white fedora.

Pizza Hut

The country has some huts lying around, right? Or you could just overturn a boat on land and paint the underside red. Seems like a no-brainer.

Arby’s

Quoth politics editor Andrew Couts: “Because their meat tastes like it comes from the 1960s.”

Chick-fil-A

Just to piss off conservatives even more.

Chipotle

Not only does that guacamole in your burrito cost extra, but you have to work on an avocado farm for six months after ordering.

Dunkin’ Donuts

You see a lot of kids playing soccer in Cuba, but where are the soccer moms? Until you start selling Frozen Coffee Coolattas, we’ll never know.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

In the words of reporter Ned Donovan: “Havana looks forward most to the Double Down, an important example of how capitalism can triumph over weak constitutions.”

McDonald’s

From each according to his ability, to each according to his need (for an extra thing of barbecue sauce, please).

Photo by Katy Warner/Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'