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If AMC won’t allow texting in movie theaters, we’ve got some even better ideas

Trust us.


David Britton

Internet Culture

Posted on Apr 16, 2016   Updated on May 26, 2021, 10:41 pm CDT

Remember that time you were at Thanksgiving dinner and suggested “Hey gang, how about next year we try and do an all vegan meal?” Your family all dropped their forks and stared at you, and you quickly said, “Never mind, never mind, forget I said anything, this never happened!” Remember? 

Well, that’s exactly how AMC feels after they oh-so-briefly mentioned the brilliant idea of allowing texting in their theaters.

AMC’s new CEO, Adam Aron, mentioned the idea in an interview with Variety on Wednesday, and people quickly tore it to shreds.

Now there’s an idea. Surely, though, if texting is on the table, there are a few other improvements certain patrons would like to see. How about:

Spoiler Zone

Already seen the movie and really want to ruin it for everyone else? Why not sit in a section with some like-minded peers and yell to your hearts content?

Half-price tickets for anyone in a stovepipe hat


Post-screening Q&A for people who didn’t read the book (or see the first movie) 

Sure, it’ll be pretty embarrassing to stay behind for this, but not nearly as embarrassing as your Tinder match calling you out for not realizing which parts they added into Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for the screen.

Handjob Section 

You’ve been dating long enough now that things are starting to get a little boring in the ol’ bedroom. How better to spice it then by taking your act on the road?

Instant replay speakers

Instead of leaning over to your friend to whisper “What’d that guy just say?” you can hit a button on your armrest and replay the last few line of dialogue at top volume. Much easier.

Smug-looking wax replicas of M. Night Shyamalan

Even if he didn’t make the terrible garbage film you just suffered through for two and a half hours, it’ll feel great to kick him in the balls on your way out.

Fart Center

If you’re gonna do it anyway, let’s get you all in the same place.

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*First Published: Apr 16, 2016, 10:51 am CDT