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7 things you couldn’t buy on Amazon Prime Day



Gabe Bergado

Internet Culture

Posted on Jul 15, 2015   Updated on May 28, 2021, 8:38 am CDT

We braced ourselves for the shopping bonanza that was Amazon Prime Day. It came, we clicked, we bought. 

You could pretty much get anything on the highly anticipated Black Friday of July. There were leaf blowers. There were Steak ‘N’ Shake gift cards. There were hipster panty 4-packs. It was as if an alternate dimension of hodgepodge had taken ever.

But there were a couple of things that we couldn’t find for sale from the online shopping behemoth. Check them out:

1) Your grandmother’s love

The search query just gave us some bracelets and children’s storybooks like Grandma Loves You! but if your granny doesn’t already whip you up food the second you utter “I’m kind of hungry,” sorry kiddo. Amazon won’t help you get a rewarding relationship with your elderly kin.

2) Channing Tatum’s body

Sure, you could get a poster for your ceiling to gaze upon once you’re slipping into slumber or other activities. Unfortunately, you won’t be able order the IRL Magic Mike to your home for cuddling and multi-use needs.  

3) Goggles that keep you from ever seeing another minion

Those little fuckers are everywhere and we’ll never be able to get rid of them. Soon, you’ll be able to even eat them. I suppose you could take a permanent marker and black out the lenses on an ordinary pair of goggles to get rid of your minion problem, but I suppose not being able to see other things might be detrimental. 

4) Peace between Palestine and Israel

That’s more of an Etsy deal, DIY, ya know? 

5) A taco

Taco shells are available straight from Prime Pantry, but where’s the meat and garnishes? If Taco Bell can get me a delectable Mexican treat to my front door, Amazon should also be able to provide me with the same service, dammit. The only reasonable way to make this up is to deliver tacos by drones.  

6) Confederate flags

It was so strange, I couldn’t find any of the Stars and Bars on Prime Day. It’s like they banned them or something

7) Your time spent watching the Entourage movie

Those 104 minutes you spent watching one of the bro-iest movies of the year? They’re gone. And even all those crazy deals from Amazon could bring them back.

Welp, at least you got your lawnmowers and panties. Maybe should’ve tried Walmart for whatever you couldn’t find

Photo via protohiro/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Jul 15, 2015, 8:13 pm CDT