The Daily Dot prides itself on being “The Front Page of The Internet,” the idea being that this is where you can get caught up on the topical potpourri that crosses our timeline each and every day. This is true! That’s why we’re here, and we think we do a pretty god job.
But sometimes it’s necessary for us to be “The Backpage of The Internet,” or the “Long Forgotten Lint Pile of The Internet” and put some truly extraneous bullshit on display. Bet you weren’t expecting to read an article about a Thomas the Tank Engine movie today did you?
Sodor’s Legend of the Lost Treasure is, somehow, the name of an hour-long Thomas the Tank Engine film. It allegedly came out in 2015, and features one of those no-image Wikipedia articles, so you know it must be a banger. Nobody saw Sodor’s Legend of the Lost Treasure except 9-year-olds and passed-out moms. But in this beautiful century of ours, we’ve allowed our children to tell the world’s history.
I’ll show you what I mean.
The following is the “Plot” section of the Wikipedia article for Sodor’s Legend of the Lost Treasure. It is… 5,000 words long. I’m not joking. Look for yourself if you want.
Wikipedia
I can only screencap, like, an eighth of this thing. It’s a monster. I’m pretty sure it’s longer than any of my college research papers. I spent less time deconstructing Bosnian war crimes than this kid took to recount every single fucking detail of Sodor’s Legend of the Lost Treasure.
I say kid because, I mean, “Toad introduces her to Mike, then Rex and finally Bert and then asks if she had ever seen a miniature engine before. Marion agrees that she had never seen such a small engine, asking if they are real causing the three small engines to explain that they deliver ballast, wool and passengers for the larger engines.”
And also, “[B]ack on the new Branch-Line, the ground at the recently dug cutting is unstable and the men only just stop Donald from passing over it. Danger signs were put up and the men had plans to re-route the track meaning Donald, Douglas and Marion had to back away.”
And you know, like, “[O]ne day, Thomas, after being repaired, was just returning to the construction Yard when he passes through Arlesburgh Harbour and spots the enormous pirate ship still annoyed that Rocky took all the credit for finding the ship.”
And who could forget, “[T]hat night, Thomas is awoken and spots the Ghost Boat and decides to follow it. He follows it right towards cavern which he previous [sic] fell in and sees that the boat is not a Ghost Boat but instead a Railboat.”
You know what? This is actually pretty cute. I love that this page belongs to him. No discerning adult is ever going to take time out of their day to make the Sodor’s Legend of the Lost Treasure Wikipedia page more readable, and so it’ll stand forever as a monument to a very particular form of childish compulsion. Ride forever, y’all.
Photo via Jim, the Photographer/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)