Forget doing your writing at the local coffee shop. Besides being a pretentious choice, it’s filled with freelance designers and teens after school lets out. And thanks to KFC’s new Tray Typer keyboard, you can now turn up your productivity to the scent of chicken frying and biscuits baking.
Engineered so that you don’t have to get your screens greasy while simultaneously typing and eating some of Colonel Sanders’ world-famous fast food, the Tray Typer is a durable paper tray that also serves as a super-thin, rechargeable wireless keyboard that connects to your phone via Bluetooth technology. Just sync, and voila—you’ll be typing up a storm.
What a time to be alive.
But beyond texting your bestie that you’re alone at KFC eating popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes and mac-and-cheese because your ex-bae just broke up with you, think of all the work that can get done at the restaurant chain with a bucket of fried chicken as your muse:
1) Thesis
Particularly pertinent if you’re doing research on nutrition. If you go to a liberal arts school, you could most definitely write your thesis solely on KFC’s heart attack-in-a-wrapper abomination, the DoubleDown.
And treat yourself to some extra crispy chicken while getting those footnotes done. You deserve it.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s Double Down Sandwich is described as “bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese, the Colonel’s secret sauce… pinched in between two pieces of Original Recipe chicken fillets” and how it humanly consumable is still a mystery to nutritionists (Paiz).
2) Erotica
Nothing’s hotter than a vat of boiling oil frying chicken pieces into fatty deliciousness. Let that heat enflame your writing.
“Colonel, looks like you messed up my order again,” said the young woman in a raspy voice. She was busty from a corn-fed childhood but had chicken legs to match the animals she helped raise on her father’s farm. “And I can’t let you just get away with it. You’re going to have to be punished for being a bad, bad colonel.”
She grabbed the packet of honey, ripped it open with her teeth and began smothering her breasts with the thick syrup, lathering herself up like a hot biscuit coming out of the oven.
3) Cover Letters
Trying to land a new job? You’re going to need some protein to keep you energized. Crunchy might put you into food coma, so stick with some lean grilled chicken.
Dear Hiring Manager,
I believe I have the determination for this position at your company. For example, one time at KFC, I ordered the 16pc Chicken, four Large Sides, eight Biscuits family meal that’s supposed to feed eight people. When I got to thigh number four and halfway through my potato wedges, I didn’t think I could make it. But I did. I ate it all. Once I start something, I don’t give up.
4) Texting Your Relatives Back
Everyone knows how easy it is to chicken out on messaging back extended family who randomly text you for restaurant suggestions in a city you visited once. Use this quality time to get back.
Sorry! I’ve been super busy. Try the KFC on Hancock. They fry their chicken in locally sourced organic oil so it’s super delish and healthy.
5) OkCupid Profile
Here’s how to get over that guy who broke your heart because he had to move to middle-of-nowhere South Dakota for Teach For America—a break-up so rough that you haven’t washed your hair in two weeks and have become a regular at your local KFC: Use that bing-eating grieving time to get back on the saddle with an updated OkCupid profile.
Mashed potatoes or cole slaw?
Mashed potatoes, because I like it thick.Drive-thru or dining in?
Dining in, so I can sit on something ;)Dark meat or white meat?
Dark meat (like my soul).
6) Young Adult Fiction Novel
Everyone’s trying to break into this booming industry of stories about the dystopian future where brave teens lead the rebellion. But you know what’s been lacking? Strong chicken protagonists.
Under the regime of Emperor Cluck, genetic testing was taken too far. Using the bird flu virus, his team of scientists created a new race of human-poultry hybrids raised to maturity yet intended solely for consumption. But a resistance was forming. And one young fowl was ready to deep-fry Cluck and his evil ways into crispy oblivion.
Photos via thisisforthejury/Vimeo