After threatening to euthanize Johnny Depp’s dogs last month because they had entered his country in contravention of a strict quarantine policy designed to protect indigenous wildlife, Australian Minister of Agriculture Barnaby
Joyce** is now writing an advice column. This is the first installment.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
My two sons, 6 and 8, are terribly picky when it comes to food. They refuse to eat anything besides
bread and potatoes. I can’t even get them to eat things most kids enjoy, like cheese or spaghetti. How
can I make sure they’re getting the nutrients they need?
—Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
They have 50 hours to eat cauliflower or else I will personally euthanize them. What, we’re just going
to let children eat bread and potatoes? There is only one fix to this problem, and that’s for me, Barnaby
Joyce, to euthanize your children. It’s to protect Australia’s natural wildlife, like koalas.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
My fiancé and I are looking to buy a house in our current neighborhood, but everything on the market
is out of our price range. My parents have generously offered to pay the down payment so we can stay
close to our friends and jobs, but my fiancé is stubborn. He wants to look in a less desirable
neighborhood that’s an hour away and pay for it ourselves. He’d rather our whole lives be disrupted
instead of swallowing his pride. How do I convince him that it’s not so terrible to take a little help now
and then?
—Can’t Accept Some Help
Dear CASH,
You have two choices: Either you have your fiancé deported, or you euthanize him—or I euthanize him. Pick
one. Too late, I just euthanized him. Also your parents. I am Barnaby Joyce, Minister of Agriculture,
and I bleed chaos.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
My girlfriend’s cat hates me. Anything I leave on the floor, he pees on. Whenever I try to move him so I
can sit down, he scratches me. Last weekend it bit her nephew and she didn’t even yell at the little
monster. The problem is, she loves the thing. Nothing it does is ever bad. Just kept petting it. I’m at my
wit’s end. Is it crazy to end a relationship over this?
—Catfight
Dear Catfight,
Euthanize him. The boy child, that is. The cat is already euthanized because I euthanized him already.
Put down her nephew or send him back to where he came from. I am the Minister of Death.
I kissed a koala once. It was nice.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
My next-door neighbor leaves her blinds open and walks around the house naked. I think it’s
disgusting, but my husband doesn’t seem to mind it. Is there a way to ask her to close her blinds, or
should I just close mine?
—Not Everyone Is Glad Ho-bag Bares Openly (Really)
Dear NEIGHBOR,
Euthanize them. Kneel before me, Minister of The End.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
I think my guy friend might have a crush on me. How can I tell for sure?
—Friend
Euthanize him.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
I’m concerned my son is smoking pot. He’s withdrawn, he hangs out with new friends, and his eyes
look all bloodshot. How can I—
Euthanize him.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
Someone has been parking in my parking space at wo—
Euthanize them.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
My mother—
Euthanize her.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
Someone broke into my house and euthanized my entire fam—
You’re welcome.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
I’m a sexy koala. Won’t you protect me?
Always.
Smooch smooch smooch. Smooch smooch smooch.
Dear Barnaby Joyce,
Don’t you think you took it too far with the whole Johnny Depp and his dogs thing?
—Concerned
Dear Concerned,
When I became Minister of Agriculture in 2013, I took an oath to personally euthanize everyone. I wear
the skulls of tiny dogs around my neck as a warning to not come near Australia, ever. I would bleed the
whole world dry if my hands were big enough, and clawed, like a koala. I am Barnaby Joyce, and I am
part-koala.
**Barnaby Joyce did not actually write this column, but you can probably guess how he might respond to it. Email barnabyjoyce@advice.com to ask Barnaby Joyce a question, if you enjoy having your emails bounced right back to you.
Photo via Apple and Pear Australia Ltd/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)