Valentine’s Day 2015 is nearly upon us. But if you’re single, you probably have yet to make plans for the big day. So why not spend Valentine’s Day binge-watching crap on Netflix, like you do every other day of the year?
To get you in the amorous spirit, we’ve compiled a list of the worst of the worst romantic comedies on Netflix. Because nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” like watching an ABC Family movie where one of the Duff sisters plays a career woman who falls in love with a free-spirited pastry chef.
1) Slightly Single in LA (2012, 3 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “After moving to L.A., Dale finds her life crumbling. Now she’s caught in a love triangle, and turning her luck around will take a huge leap of faith.”
Our take: This trailer has everything: Tired stereotypes about Los Angeles, ladies with yoga mats complaining about why men can’t commit, and not one, but two Mean Girls cast members (Lacey Chabert, who played Gretchen Weiners, and Jonathan Bennett, who played Aaron Samuels). And that love triangle is sure to cause all sorts of #drama.
Viewers say: “This was so…so bad. The only reason I left it on all the way through is so I could have some background noise while I shopped online.”
2) Beauty and the Briefcase (2010, 3.6 stars)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGQF_pJzo4k
Netflix synopsis: “A young journalist gets hired to write a career-making story on love in the workplace but must ultimately choose between her assignment and her heart.”
Our take: Beauty and the Briefcase is pretty much an ABC Family version of How To Lose A Guy in Ten Days, minus the humor and charisma of its lead actors. Yet it’s somehow managed to get more than 3 stars, because we’re assuming some Hilary Duff superfans—Duffians? Duff Riders?— threw off the average. You’ll just have to suspend your disbelief that journalists wear pencil skirts to work.
Viewers say: “At first I didnt understand this movie but after watching over and over and over again I understood why she ends up with the guy at the end. Love it and never get tired of it. Love it.”
3) You’re So Cupid (2010, 3.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “Twin sisters, who neither look nor act alike, share a fondness for matchmaking, but their skills are tested when they end up vying for the same man.”
Our take: You might know Brian Krause, one of the stars of this film, from his days on Charmed. No? What about Caitlin E.J. Meyer, star of the 2007 Mormon-themed Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale?
Okay, maybe you don’t know anyone in this film. But apparently, it’s good for kids and teens, so add it to your queue if you want to turn Valentine’s Day into a family affair/really hate your family.
Viewers say: “the movie is like a feel good, little romantic. but the subtitles were out of sync.”
4) Relationship Status: It’s Complicated (2014, 2.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: On the verge of getting married, Ben has a fateful encounter with a ravishing former classmate who’s eager to strike up a relationship.
Our take: This is a foreign film and there are currently no reviews, but wow, what a title.
5) Get the Girl (2009, 2.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “A young man who loves playing the video game “Guitar Master” learns how to put his skills to work to win the heart of a beautiful girl.”
Our take: What would happen in an alternative universe where dudes who play “Guitar Hero” actually get laid.
Viewers say: “0% boobs. Don’t waste your time. Terrible film quality. Yeah, I probably can’t do better.”
6) For the Love of it (1980, 2.5 stars)
Note: We couldn’t find a trailer for this, so instead we’re embedding the trailer for the documentary For the Love of Dolly, which is about country singer Dolly Parton and is probably much better than the film reviewed below, all things considered. You’re welcome.
Netflix synopsis: “A model, unknowingly in possession of top-secret documents, panics and goes on the lam with a love-struck medical student when agents pursue her.”
Our take: Mystery, intrigue, romance: What more could you possibly want? Oh, yeah, a cameo appearance by none other than Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita (RIP).
Viewers say: “Solid proof America is in a coma…I thought it might be funny yet I didnt bother reading the reviews or I would not have bothered…”
7) My Sucky Teen Romance (2011, 2.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “College-bound Kate finds romance with a teen vampire she meets at a sci-fi convention, and soon finds herself fang-deep in trouble.
Our take: If you love the Twilight series, then you’ll probably like this because it’s a crappy teen movie about vampires.
Viewers say: “Pretty much the best movie ever. Well not great acting but I fell in love. Im a big fan of the supernatural and I adored this. Give it a chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You wont regret it!!!!!”
8) The Sex Thief (1974, 2.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “Martin Campbell directs this sexy 1970s comedy following the exploits of a brazen masked jewel thief who seduces his willing victims.”
Our take: A softcore porn version of The Great Muppet Caper.
Viewers say: “It’s not even a sex film. It’s a pretend sex film. And I couldn’t understand a word anyone said.”
9) Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (2011, 2.5 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “Bashful greeting card store employee Jane falls in love with Zoinx, who just happens to hail from outer space. Soon, their romance gets disrupted by two Men in Black who seek to uncover a wide-scale invasion of lesbian aliens.”
Our take: Pretty sure this one speaks for itself.
Viewers say: “Great movie about lesbian space aliens? Or the greatest movie about lesbian space aliens?”
10) All I Want (2002, 3 stars)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH1WZSDH_x0
Netflix synopsis: “Jones (Elijah Wood) rents a room in a boarding house to work on his writing skills. Soon, he finds himself dividing his time between Lisa (Franka Potente) and Jane (Mandy Moore).”
Our take: We can’t resist a film where Elijah Wood plays an introspective writer. Also, remember when Mandy Moore actually had a film career?
Viewers say: “Dumb movie!!! I coulda done without it!!! I mean it was predictable and just plain dumb!!!! But I did love Mandy moores hair!”
11) Swinging with the Finkels (2011, 3 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “Sarah (Mandy Moore), an American whose 10-year marriage to Englishman Alvin Finkel (Martin Freeman) has gotten stale, wonders if a bit of swinging will reignite their old passion.”
Our take: See below.
Viewers say: “AWFUL! POOR MARTIN FREEMAN. AWFUL! POOR MARTIN FREEMAN. AWFUL! POOR MARTIN FREEMAN”
12) On the Line (2001, 3 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “With help from his best friend, a young man (Lance Bass) who’s smitten with a girl he met on the subway spends an entire movie trying to reunite with her.”
Our take: This was at the pinnacle of Lance Bass’ N*SYNC stardom and long before he came out. It’s awkward, there’s not chemistry, and it’s absolutely perfect.
Viewers say: “My name is Tim Bevis I was really touched by this movie,In reality though would A city ever become inerested in a guy or girllooking for the girl of his or her dreams?I lived in Chicago while in the service there.The movie brought back many memories all good,but while there I met someone like this and I have not seen her since.I left we talked for awhile and our lifes moved in different directions,I have not seen her since I have looked her up on the internet, I have called Orland Park Police in Chicago trying to find her.Which was her last address,You see I fell in love with her,And I was to stupid to see what I had there she was my dream she was my one love and the only love. And what does this have to do with the movie well I am hoping someone here may see this someone who knows Janette a sister, her daughter, anyone, that can help as Lance did in this movie or maybe even Janette will see this.Her name is Janette Mikrut it was 1988 when I last saw her.You know though who reads the reviews.But it was a thought after watching this movie.And I will never give up my search till I find her I wished I had the resources and money to post signs and billboards and she would see and respond as Emanuel did in this movie.Many years have passed but my love for her never will pass.And this is the 3rd time I viewed this movie,I loved the movie the story the music and the ending Emanuel, I loved and her beauty reminds me of Janette,It was a all around great movie.And one I hope Janette will see and have the same ideals as i had and that someone who knows what love is can help me find my dream girl.I love you Janette!”
13) …At First Sight (1995, 2.3 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “A womanizer’s wacky plans to win the heart of his friend’s latest crush cause chaos, while his promiscuous ways conceal an old heartbreak.”
Our take: This sounds truly wacky! Combine that with mid-’90s cheesiness, and you’ll have yourself a truly successful Valentine’s Day.
Viewers say: “There was a surprise appearance of Jesus at one point–a random spot of mysticism.”
14) The Wedding Pact (2013, 3 stars)
Netflix synopsis: “College pals Mitch and Elizabeth [Haylie Duff, making her second appearance on this list] vow that if they’re both single in 10 years, they’ll marry each other. A decade later, Mitch tries to follow through.”
Our take: This is reminiscent of My Best Friend’s Wedding in the worst possible way. But that’s also the best thing about it.
Viewers say: “I’ve seen better acting in a soft core porn. Terrible. The dog was the best actor.”
Photo via Joel Bombardier/Flickr (CC 2.0)