Election 2016: We give up.
Let’s be honest. It’s been a soul-crushing and anxiety-inducing 15 months or so leading up to the presidential election of 2016.
Yes, there were some funny moments. We’ll all have fond memories of 3am tweets and non-words like “bigly” and “yuge” will be burned into the public’s memory for decades. Most of us had a laugh on Tuesday morning when it looked like Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was spying on wife Melania as she cast her ballot. Or when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie snuck in at 6am this morning to secretly vote without telling the media because—ya know—his career is in ruin and all that.
But who are we kidding, this election was almost two years of America at its bleakest. Which is why you should get right and properly drunk tonight as you watch your favorite pundits, pollsters, and news anchors zoom in on huge hologram maps of Ohio and North Carolina and prophesize the future of our country. Gather up all your friends, loved ones, and your dog, and watch the election returns like the good citizen you are. And drink. Heavily. Yuge amounts.
Here’s your Election 2016 drinking game, kids. And good luck scraping all those “I Voted” stickers off your beer bong.
Take a tiny sip of beer:
When anyone mentions the Electoral College.
When an anchor stalls for time.
When the camera cuts to B-roll of random voters standing outside polling places.
Anytime it cuts to a split screen.
Anytime it cuts to a map for the first time.
Drink once if someone mentions Latino voter turnout.
Drink once if someone mentions exit polls AND entrance polls in the same sentence.
Drink once if someone mentions results from the 2008 and 2012 elections.
Drink once if someone mentions voter suppression, voter fraud, or restrictive voter ID laws.
Drink once if an anchor says a state is “too close” to call.
Drink once if an anchor says a state is a “near certainty” for either Trump or Clinton.
Drink once if an anchor uses the term “dead heat.”
Drink once if someone mentions Nate Silver without Nate Silver being in the same room.
Drink once if someone mentions multiple toss-up states in the same sentence (i.e. Florida, Ohio, Virginia).
Drink once anytime you see a strange, new app, widget, or election forecasting tool mentioned.
Drink anytime any anchor, political pundit, or pollster seems to be full of B.S. or making something up. This is not something you should decide objectively. Ask everyone in the room to for a show of hands and vote on it.
(If you’re alone and watching the election returns on your laptop in the dark while trying not to cry, you of course can do whatever you want.)
Drink twice when someone mentions polls in California and Alaska followed by a dismissive chuckle.
Drink twice when someone mentions the Pantsuits Nation.
Drink twice when someone uses the terms “battleground state” and “toss-up” state in the same sentence.
Drink twice when someone references trend data from Election 2012 (i.e. Romney’s voter turnout in Michigan).
Drink twice for any election result where the candidate gets more than 60 percent of the vote.
Drink twice anytime anyone mentions Ohio.
Drink twice anytime anyone mentions Nevada and North Carolina in the same sentence.
Drink twice anytime anyone mentions the end of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA)’s congressional career.
Drink twice anytime Wolf Blitzer does or says anything weird.
Drink twice if an anchor messes up.
Finish your drink
When they call Ohio, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, or Florida.
When they call a state for a candidate you voted for.
Do a shot
Do a shot if someone mentions Ohio and Florida in the same sentence.
Do a shot when Rep. Tammy Baldwin (D-Ill) unseats Sen. Mark Kirk (R-Ill).
Do a shot any time an anchor or pundit talks about the Democrats taking over the Senate.
Do a shot when they call the results for your state.
Do a shot when an anchor screws up and talks about Trump’s concession speech before they actually call the results.
Do a shot when this entire damn thing is over.
Do three shots
If your chosen candidate loses. Or, you know, have a good cry.
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