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August’s much-anticipated total eclipse is less than two weeks away, and some people still haven’t found their boning partner to experience otherworldly sex and with whom to conceive a demigod baby under the blocked sunlight.
More specifically, this guy who posted a ridiculously specific Craiglist sex ad has yet to find the whippit-huffing Juliet to his Romeo, or something like that.
The man, a Caucasian European clocking in at 40 years old, is looking for “a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts” to “experience” the total eclipse from Oregon with. He himself has “heritage…strong and pure” (read: white), and his looks, instincts, knowledge, and strength are 100 percent “pure and…lethal.”
He even included this creative piece of work by Mark Henson in the post—for reference, you know. Basically, if you yourself are an Amazonian woman interested in birthing a superhuman (or the anti-Christ, not quite sure), give him a ring.
“When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution,” the writer pens.
Presumably, this person is going to have to be OK with homeboy being on bottom, as he wants to have his penis “directed towards the sun.”
“Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets,” he waxes on. “In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love…(sic)”
Sorry, folks—no cat haters allowed. But hey, drugs, specifically nitrous oxide, are OK in this guy’s book.
At least this dude has another 10 days to find his lucky lady.
Samantha Grasso is a former IRL staff writer for the Daily Dot with a reporting emphasis on immigration. Her work has appeared on Los Angeles Magazine, Death And Taxes, Revelist, Texts From Last Night, Austin Monthly, and she has previously contributed to Texas Monthly.