No, sir, we will not bone you by the darkness of the total eclipse while your cat watches

Photo via James Niland/Flickr Screengrab via Best of Craigslist/Craigslist (CC-BY) Remix by Samantha Grasso

May I present to you the most ridiculous Craiglist ad yet.

August’s much-anticipated total eclipse is less than two weeks away, and some people still haven’t found their boning partner to experience otherworldly sex and with whom to conceive a demigod baby under the blocked sunlight.

More specifically, this guy who posted a ridiculously specific Craiglist sex ad has yet to find the whippit-huffing Juliet to his Romeo, or something like that.

The man, a Caucasian European clocking in at 40 years old, is looking for “a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts” to “experience” the total eclipse from Oregon with. He himself has “heritage…strong and pure” (read: white), and his looks, instincts, knowledge, and strength are 100 percent “pure and…lethal.”

He even included this creative piece of work by Mark Henson in the post—for reference, you know. Basically, if you yourself are an Amazonian woman interested in birthing a superhuman (or the anti-Christ, not quite sure), give him a ring.

“When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution,” the writer pens.

Presumably, this person is going to have to be OK with homeboy being on bottom, as he wants to have his penis “directed towards the sun.”

“Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets,” he waxes on. “In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love…(sic)”

Sorry, folks—no cat haters allowed. But hey, drugs, specifically nitrous oxide, are OK in this guy’s book.

The ad has already made several rounds through critical skeptics on Twitter and has been flagged by Craigslist for removal, but a version still exists on the Best of Craigslist community.

At least this dude has another 10 days to find his lucky lady.

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