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Move over, all you fancy-pants Christmas shindigs: The classiest event this year will be the the Scrotum Beauty Pageant. It is the rarest of events, when those particular words are not only put together, but the whole thing is taken “Full Monty” and made into a full-blown, no-shit reality where you could win $10,000.
Thank Brian Sloan.
While working on a sophisticated sex robot, Sloan was heavily criticized last year when he first held a contest to discover the world’s prettiest vagina (NSFW). He was viewed as an extremely wealthy pervert, and then quickly forgotten.
It turns out he may have actually been serious, when he claimed to not only be doing the contest for the sheer number of vaginas that he’d be responsible for reviewing, but for science as well. When he said that he’d discover the world’s prettiest scrotum next, we all laughed. It was just a sexist making a joke, right?
And now this video exists. After listening to it, it’s clear that Sloan plans to spend a fortune on the scrotum project, and he could be doing something quite strange: Luring people in for sexual purposes, and then using the data to create massive samples to be used for sociological studies. (This high-brow paper came from last year’s vagina contest.)
The agreement terms seem legit. Even this early in the contest it suggests something that’s sociologically important: People tend to give higher scores to younger genitals.
It could be possible that Sloan is 3D-scanning genitals to fund his own, legitimate research. He could be the Alfred Kinsey of our times.
Or he could be looking to sell some paper weights that look like the winner’s balls, and profit an insane amount from them.
Only time will tell, but until then—you have until Christmas Day to submit a photograph—stop being a nobody, and get those balls on the Internet.
Joey Keeton is an entertainment writer who reviewed streaming movies, comedies, and TV series for the Daily Dot. He's also written about podcasts, bizarre web culture, and politics.