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Stockholm, Sweden-based sex toy company LELO is on the hunt for the criminal geniuses behind two heists from their Las Vegas warehouse, in which the burglars made off with tens of sex toys and tens of thousands of condoms.
According to a press release from the sex toy manufacturer and accompanying CCTV footage, burglars broke into the warehouse on Friday and stole 33 prostate massagers and 48 kegel beads—just over $9,000 in merchandise. The following day, burglars then stole 30,000 of HEX condoms, which, at $34.90 for a pack of 36, comes out to just over $29,000.
“Honestly, it was easier when no one had heard of us. Now that our name is really out there, we’ve become victims to a theft the likes of which the world has never seen,” LELO’s post reads. “Gah, the pressures of fame. Woe is us. Et cetera, et cetera.”
LELO is asking people who have information that could help identify the criminals or return the stolen merchandise to contact the Las Vegas Police Department. As an incentive, it’ll donate the full retail value of the stolen goods, more than $38,000, to a charity of the tipster’s choice.
At least LELO is having fun with this unfortunate but bizarre heist. In the post, the company writes it hopes the thieves who “stole those condoms, got into a time machine, went back 18-25 years (by the looks of it), and presented them all to their own fathers.”
Ouch. Then there is this stunning fan-fictional paragraph penned so poetically, you almost forget that we’re dealing with a criminal offense:
Anyway it looks to us like they knew what they were aiming to grab. But a bit of us hopes they had no idea who they were robbing. We hope they saw a shiny new warehouse and thought “yeahhhh we about to be Made Men, sonnnn” and they went home with their ill-gotten loot, opened up the boxes, discovered they had grabbed 30000 condoms by accident, and were so stunned that they realized they depended on each other’s partnership to get over the trauma, quickly fell in passionate love, had no condoms left by the end of the week, and quit their life of crime to grow old together and renovate a charming guesthouse in New Orleans. That’s what LELO does. Dreamweavers, we are. Look out for our forthcoming erotic story, “The Wages of Sin: When Crime Pays… in the Butt.”
Or, you know, the burglars could just take the 33 prostate massagers and “go fuck themselves.” LELO’s words, not ours.
Samantha Grasso is a former IRL staff writer for the Daily Dot with a reporting emphasis on immigration. Her work has appeared on Los Angeles Magazine, Death And Taxes, Revelist, Texts From Last Night, Austin Monthly, and she has previously contributed to Texas Monthly.