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This article contains sexually explicit material.
Valentine’s Day has traditionally been about romance, not sex—which is, let’s admit, sort of crap. What is more passionate than overpriced prix-fixe and bodega roses? Reminding your significant other that you have genitalia and you want to use it on them. Luckily, if you want to go about that in the most obvious way possible (or at least as obvious as you can get without sending a chocolate butthole), Etsy has your back.
The site prohibits the sale of pornography, but there is a world of dick-and-vagina themed art, jewelry, and decorations, not even counting the lovingly handcrafted “sexual wellness items,” that’s found a home here. It’s a perfect way to say anything from “I appreciate your penis,” to “I miss your boobs,” to “I have a vulva and want you to wear a pendant that looks like it around your neck for eternity.”
Speaking of vaginas, you can go with these forged “delta of Venus” earrings, a necklace where it’s shaped like a bat, or just a simple boob scarf. Maybe it’ll be a special night, and you’ll feel like popping the question with a ring that shows her what you really value:
But what about gifts you can enjoy as a couple with a flair for interior decoration? This painting manages to say both “I love sex” and “coloring books are fun.”
This mixed media piece (NSFW) reminds you of the cosmic balance achieved through fingerbanging.
If mixed media isn’t your thing, try this gay porn lithograph (NSFW). You can buy a handmade sex swing, especially useful if you’re sick and tired of forking over your hard earned pay to Big Sex Swing.
Or you can just send your sweetie an adorable message (NSFW) written on someone else’s boobs.
Let’s take V-Day for everything else that can come from love. Wear a d**k around your neck and wear it proud.
We don’t need a Valentine’s Day for love. We’ve already been sold that true, all-encompassing, monogamous love is what we should be striving for every day of the year. We’re told we should celebrate and honor this commitment above all other interactions. Let’s take V-Day for everything else that can come from flirtation, love, and sex. Wear a dick around your neck and wear it proud.
And if it gets to be too much you can always buy a spell to put on your boyfriend to keep him from watching so much porn.
Photo via Etsy
Jaya Saxena is a lifestyle writer and editor whose work focuses primarily on women's issues and web culture. Her writing has appeared in GQ, ELLE, the Toast, the New Yorker, Tthe Hairpin, BuzzFeed, Racked, Eater, Catapult, and others. She is the co-author of 'Dad Magazine,' the author of 'The Book Of Lost Recipes,' and the co-author of 'Basic Witches.'