Etsy’s weirdest, most NSFW Valentine’s Day gifts

Man Holding Woman's Ankles in Front of a Rainbow Painting

Etsy

Valentine’s Day has traditionally been about romance, not sex—which is, let’s admit, full of crap.

This article contains sexually explicit material.

Valentine’s Day has traditionally been about romance, not sex—which is, let’s admit, sort of crap. What is more passionate than overpriced prix-fixe and bodega roses? Reminding your significant other that you have genitalia and you want to use it on them. Luckily, if you want to go about that in the most obvious way possible (or at least as obvious as you can get without sending a chocolate butthole), Etsy has your back. 

The site prohibits the sale of pornography, but there is a world of dick-and-vagina themed art, jewelry, and decorations, not even counting the lovingly handcrafted “sexual wellness items,” that’s found a home here. It’s a perfect way to say anything from “I appreciate your penis,” to “I miss your boobs,” to “I have a vulva and want you to wear a pendant that looks like it around your neck for eternity.”

If your significant other is into penises, you can get them cookies, earrings, an embroidered necklace, or an adorable chapstick beer cozy:

If they have a collector’s eye, you can get an “antique Japanese crystal penis,” or even this pendant showing exactly what you want to do to them that night:

Speaking of vaginas, you can go with these forged “delta of Venus” earrings, a necklace where it’s shaped like a bat, or just a simple boob scarf. Maybe it’ll be a special night, and you’ll feel like popping the question with a ring that shows her what you really value:

But what about gifts you can enjoy as a couple with a flair for interior decoration? This painting manages to say both “I love sex” and “coloring books are fun.” 

We've cropped this photo. Click through for the real deal.

We’ve cropped this photo. Click through for the real deal.

Etsy

This mixed media piece (NSFW) reminds you of the cosmic balance achieved through fingerbanging. 

Stardust Erotic Artwork. We've cropped this one too.

Stardust Erotic Artwork. We’ve cropped this one too.

Etsy

If mixed media isn’t your thing, try this gay porn lithograph (NSFW). You can buy a handmade sex swing, especially useful if you’re sick and tired of forking over your hard earned pay to Big Sex Swing. 

Or you can just send your sweetie an adorable message (NSFW) written on someone else’s boobs.

Also cropped.

Also cropped.

Etsy

Everyone appreciates a nice pillow, and if in doubt, put a bird on it.

Let’s take V-Day for everything else that can come from love. Wear a d**k around your neck and wear it proud.

We don’t need a Valentine’s Day for love. We’ve already been sold that true, all-encompassing, monogamous love is what we should be striving for every day of the year. We’re told we should celebrate and honor this commitment above all other interactions. Let’s take V-Day for everything else that can come from flirtation, love, and sex. Wear a dick around your neck and wear it proud.

And if it gets to be too much you can always buy a spell to put on your boyfriend to keep him from watching so much porn. 

Etsy

Photo via Etsy

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No matter who you are or what you love, there’s a Valentine’s Day app for you
Whether you want to break up, make up, or make out, there's a very romantic app for that. 
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