Amazon is where you go for deals, near-instantaneous shipping and to easily restock your family favorites. But, truthfully, Amazon is the host of some pretty weird sh*t. And if that surprises you, then join the club – we’re working on getting jackets.
We have no idea why Amazon would sell this stuff, but a good rule of business is not to sell what people aren’t buying. So in other words, we can only blame ourselves and the oddity of internet culture for perpetuating this seemingly endless episode of “WTF Amazon.”
Weird products on Amazon that you can buy right now
1) Snot mittens–because tissues aren’t environmentally friendly
But what do you do with your hands after you blow snot all over them?
Price: $19.99
2) This silicone face slimmer claims to shape and tone your facial muscles????
Bonus effect: You look like some kind of weird fish.
Price: $2.78
3) Spruce up your space with an asthmatic granny decal
Her head is life-size.
Price: $44.38
4) Beauty Maid Incense Burner
Why is the smoke pouring out of her nipples?
On sale for $18.55 (regularly $21)
5) Oopsie?
Technically also an effect you can produce for free (if you’re willing to ruin a pair of your pants).
Price: $23.95
6) 55 gallons of lube: because it’s always better to be prepared
For people who enjoy anal sex a LOT.
On sale for $1,659.48 (regularly $2,500)
7) This unthinkable novel: Crafting With Cat Hair
This is the crazy cat person manual.
On sale for $6.66 (regularly $14.95)
8) Looking to lose your appetite? Here’s a cookbook full of semen-based recipes!
People have way, way, way too much free time.
Price: $22.49 (regularly $24.99)
9) The most self-explanatory pillow to exist printed using the most pleasing font: Helvetica
Better decor does not exist.
Price: $24
10)Putt-putt while you’re making a poop poop
Or just read your phone like everyone else.
Price: $11.99
11) Who wouldn’t want a replica of body fat to display on their desk?
Now you, too, can own a pound of human fat on a display platter.
Price: $23.10
12) Let Jeff watch over your bowel movements always
Bonus: monkey.
Price: $26
13) The chosen snack of those online who “are not owned”
Whateva, Binch.
Price: $11.50
14) Dog toots you can eat!
If you hang around the dog long enough, you can also get these for free.
Price: $8.95
15) Nothing says “sexy” quite like Vladimir Putin, shirtless, riding a bear
The question is not why, but rather, why not?
Price: $79.90
16)Dingding plushies
Clearly the secret to happiness is a family of plush, emotionless dicks.
Price: $3.82+
17) Runny nose shower gel dispenser
Not funny. Just gross.
Price: $10.69
18)See you in my dreams, sweet cheeks
You’ll never feel lonely again in the fire of Nick’s piercing gaze.
Price: $5.99
19) The phone case you’ve always wanted: a diseased toenail
*vomit*
Price: $24.71
20) Take out your stress on a disembodied boob
No one will slap you for squeezing this one.
Price: $6.99
MORE BAZAAR DEALS:
- These light up Pikachu slippers are shockingly cozy
- This Bowser puppet is menacing but totally adorbs
- These penguin dryer balls are your secret to soft laundry
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