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Do you have what it takes to become a professional toilet reviewer?
Hey, a byline is a byline.
Times are tough out there for a writer, perhaps even more so for critics—we can’t think of one who wouldn’t jump at the chance for paid work. Luckily, as a Craigslist job posting reveals, the mastermind behind ToiletFinder.com is shelling out cash for witty reviews of public restrooms.
You read that correctly: computer programmer and web architect Michael Li will pay you $100 to contribute to a site “dedicated to the art and science of finding publicly-accessible venues” in which to “do the dirty.” Currently, the content on ToiletFinder.com is user-generated, resulting in a Yelp-like experience. But Li would prefer a comprenehsive and professionally turned-out Zagat guide to New York City’s finest and foulest facilities. Also, only college graduates need apply.
In fact, demand for the position is likely to be so high that Li has turned the hiring process into something of a contest (not to mention a way of adding members to the ToiletFinder.com network), with a sense of humor and the ability to defecate frequently both invaluable assets:
Search for, and pick a venue that has not been reviewed, and is accessible to the public on ToiletFinder.com. This should be a venue at which you have personal experience. Write a humorous review for that venue’s toilet. Be creative, helpful, and slightly disgusting. Not necessarily in that order, LOL. Remember, the goal is to have fun while helping to make peoples’ lives easier. Email me the link to your ToiletFinder.com profile, and your PayPal email address. From there, I will be able to read your submission(s). If you make me laugh, I’ll PayPal you $20 simply for submitting a good entry.
After a week, Li will pick the best toilet critic as his official copywriter for the site, which is “ on track to making $200-$500 a day within six months,” making them eligible to receive “a percentage” of its daily Google AdSense profits. But the competition is bound to be fierce, as even the casual reviews make plain. Take this commentary on a movie theater bathroom in Sheepshead Bay, for example:
Upon my delicate journey to the toilet, I find myself occasionally stepping on a few used up napkins, several candy wrappers, crushed up popcorn seeds, and some puke if you go there on a weekend. Once you reach the prize, you’re quite disappointed. Out of the 4 toilets available, 3 of them are usually clogged with a zesty combination of urine and poop. According to one’s taste, this may or may not be an attraction.
So if you have a stomach for stenches and scatological surveys, consider making them your specialty. And should you have any qualms about compromising your craft, remember: James Joyce wrote as much about this stuff as anyone who’s ever lived. To elevate the discussion of our baser needs is nothing short of noble.
Photo by Greg Braaten/Flickr
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'