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On hidden corners of the Internet untouched by Google searches, there’s a cornucopia of goods and services—many of them illegal—available for purchase. The marketplaces of the Dark Net have withstood Anonymous attacks and FBI raids over the past few years. Some argue that its glory days are over, but business is still booming—as long as you know where to look. 

With Christmas just around the corner, there’s no better time to dig in.

Forget tacky novelty chocolates and homemade holiday decorations: This year, if you want unique stocking stuffers for friends and family, then look no further than the Deep Web.

For reference, 1 bitcoin is currently worth around $318. For obvious reasons, we haven’t included links. 

0.01g digital scales: 0.0586BTC

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Got a keen chef in the family? Pick them up a set of scales for just $18.60. The 0.01g accuracy ensures your dad will never botch his cooking measurements again. They’re perfect for weighing and separating fine powders—such as flour or baking soda. As an added bonus, the scales come with free next-day delivery, if you order before 2pm.

Variety pack of 15 soap bars: 0.141BTC

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“All different colors, designs, sizes, fragrances, etc. Pick the look and smell you like. Also let us know which soap works best for your particular skin and we’ll custom-design a loaf for you. A loaf can make 10 to 24 bars depending on sizes of bars.”

Yes, as far as we can tell, this really is just custom-made soap. Nothing illegal about it. Works out as $44.90, comes with USPS Priority 2-to-4-day delivery.

1mm airtight vials: 0.0116BTC

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At just $3.70 a pop, they’re perfect for hiding small valuables. Colored sand, maybe. Or tiny origami swans.

Anonymous cellphone with voice changer: 0.17BTC

No photo—it’s that stealthy.

Who needs an iPhone? For $54.15 you can get hold a “stealth cellphone” that “allows you to modulate your real voice with some filters.” Man, woman, child, elderly person—the options are endless. Suggested uses include “[making] jokes to your friends with it,” and of course, “[scamming] people on eBay.”

“There’s so much opportunities.” Indeed!

Stealth card knife: 0.0155BTC

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Never get caught without cutlery at a picnic again! Four bucks and 95 cents will get you a blade you can conceal in your wallet. It’s perfect for cutting cheese and charcuterie on the go. 

Credit card LED lamp: 0.0341BTC

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We’re really struggling to find an actual use for this one, nefarious or legitimate. But hey, a credit-card-sized light is pretty cool. And it’ll only set you back $10.96.

Ultra-fast stealth USB 3.0 pen drive: 0.3428BTC-0.8858BTC

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If the Sony hack has taught us anything, it’s that you can never be too careful with your OpSec. The Deep Web has a number of products that cater to the overly cautious Web browser—most notably, a range of encrypted USB drives with Linux installed, giving the user plug-and-go privacy.

They range from 0.34BTC ($109.19) for 32 gigabytes to (0.88BTC $282.91) for 256GB, and as a bonus, the high-end model comes with “hard-anodised, military-grade aluminum housing” that promises to be waterproof up to 200 meters. 

Complete Krav Maga technics [sic] ebook: 0.0315BTC

Forget gyms and personal trainers. Your path to peak physical fitness lies in this dodgy $10 ebook.

AntiSpy device—Signal Bug Detector: 0.1214BTC

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Another gizmo for the security-conscious/schizophrenic among us, the AntiSpy detects for any electronic bugs that might be eavesdropping.

“Do you care about your safety, health, and freedom? Have you ever suspected someone was an undercover cop? Have you ever felt uncomfortable to talk talk freely just because there was a possibility that somebody else is listening?” the promotional blurb asks.

With the $38.67 AntiSpy, the vendor promises, you can “leave your worries behind!” 

100g Gold Bullion: 14.777BTC

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I’d be somewhat cautious about buying this “flawlessly minted” $4,700 100-gram gold bar originating from the “Perth Mint in Australia,” given the very next listing is for fake versions of the same thing. But if you’re interested, don’t let me stop you—it’d look lovely on your nan’s mantlepiece.

Super-strong “Blue Laser”: 0.6929BTC

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OK, so this one seems a little dangerous. It promises to be able to “light cigarettes easily.” But hey, what’s the worst that could happen?

“The best GET LAID GUIDE ON EARTH”: 0.0031BTC

Perfect for the Tucker Max fan with a B.A. who’s striking out on his own in the big city. “Get laid as much as you want to” for just $0.99. Seems legit. 

Sonic Devastator tutorial: 0.0155BTC

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The $5 plans to an “experimental, non-lethal” weapon that can “emit powerful bursts of sonic energy to temporarily disable an animal or human attacker.” Honestly, this looks and sounds utterly horrific. Please, if you care about human dignity, never buy, build, or use this.

Photo via Eric Lanning/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed

Rob Price

Rob Price

Rob Price is a technology and politics reporter who served as the U.K.-based morning editor for the Daily Dot until 2014. He now works as the news editor for Business Insider, and his work has appeared in Vice, Slate, the Washington Post, and the Independent.