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7 things that drive everyone nuts in the bedroom
Ugh, fitted sheets.
Presented by tulo
You spend roughly one-third of your life in bed, not including Sundays spent binge watching Bojack Horseman. But considering it’s supposed to be Destination: Relax and Recharge, it sure does make a lot of appearances on your “Things That Annoy Me” list, doesn’t it? Your phone is constantly going MIA under the covers. The top sheet ends up an albatross around your ankles. And then there’s your space-hogging dog.
In partnership with tulo, a new kind of mattress designed to keep you cool, comfortable, and totally unrankled each night, here are seven universal bed-related annoyances that befuddle otherwise totally competent, successful, reasonably intelligent people.
Annoying! Your phone is forever ghosting you under the covers, causing you to frantically pat down your sheets with the single-minded fervor of a TSA agent. Beds for phones are like dryers for socks; just because they go in doesn’t mean they’re coming out anytime soon.
The answer: We get it – your phone is your second brain. You want it by your side constantly, much like the more than 70 percent of Americans who sleep with or next to their smartphones, according to a recent study. (We know what you’re thinking: What do the other 30 percent spoon with?) If you use your phone’s alarm to wake up, get a real alarm clock, just like your ancestors did in the olden days, and leave your phone on the bedside table.
Annoying! Your partner prefers sleeping with a top sheet, claiming those who don’t are lazy, dirt-marinating heathens with zero appreciation for temperature control. You know that top sheets are just anarchy with a thread count.
The answer: This is some serious Laurel versus Yanny stuff right here. Wars have been waged and marriages severed on much less. Before you resign yourself to slumbering beneath the devil’s handkerchief, suggest you both try out the tulo medium mattress. Designed to cushion and support people who sleep in all manner of positions – stomach, side, back, plank – it’ll keep both of you happy enough that you won’t even care that your ankles are being ensnared by a sheet serpent.
Annoying! You live for your dog, but he hogs the covers, acts out his dreams (including the one where he falls in love with a fire hydrant) and has a chronic case of restless leg syndrome.
The answer: A recent Mayo Clinic study found that sharing your actual bed with Scout can steal your sleep…but letting him snooze in your bedroom is totally fine, and maybe even beneficial, offering a sense of comfort and security. Keep your four-legged friends on the floor but show them you love them in other, non-sleep-sabotaging ways, like commissioning a custom portrait series or treating them to a doggie DNA test.
Annoying! Folding a fitted sheet is a 12-step dumpster fire of an ordeal. YouTube tutorials exist, but you either need to able to strike Eagle Pose on command or be an actual warlock to follow them. And the sheet still ends up looking like a squirrel folded it.
The answer: After washing and drying your fitted sheet, spread it out on your bare bed. Lie down inside it, inserting arms and legs into all four corners. Extend all limbs so you resemble a starfish, then curl into a fetal pose, bringing the sheet with you. Drift off.
Annoying! Binge watching your fave show in bed is enjoyable beyond belief, but after lounging in the same position for six hours, your back gets stupid hot.
The answer: Look for a mattress that keeps you cool, no matter how many continuous episodes of Black Mirror you’ve got cued up. The tulo comfort series features a ventilated memory foam layer infused with cooling titanium particles to thwart heat transfer and promote airflow. Not only will you be able to Netflix while actually chilling, you’ll stay on trend now that bingeable has been added to Merriam-Webster.com (Also: time suck and welp.)
Annoying! Your arms turn to fettuccine while lying on your back, scrolling through your feed. Related: Pass out for a microsecond and your phone plummets from your hands and nails you in the face.
The answer: Literally every scientific study ever done ever says that using your phone in bed is bad for you. But you? You’re a rebel. A renegade. A maverick. Keep fighting the status quo by propping a few firm tulo pillows under each arm. The high-density foam will do the heavy lifting for you, leaving your limbs free to swipe, snap, and pull to refresh.
Annoying! You need the grip strength of a professional powerlifter to pull on a fitted cotton sheet. Rumor has it that the organizers of the Strongman competition just added “Sheet Clean & Yank” to its list of events, alongside “Tire Flip” and “Tractor Pull.”
The answer: Changing your linens shouldn’t require carbo loading. Look for sheets with extra deep pockets. This will increase the slack you have to work with, thus preserving circulation to your fingers. Deep pockets also mean the sheet is less likely to creep up on you while you sleep. Jersey and microfiber sheets are also your friends – super soft and infinitely easier to pull on. If all else fails, imagine how ripped you’ll look when High Rep Muscle Mag features you on its cover.
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Leslie Goldman is a writer specializing in health, women's issues and parenting. Her spirit animal is the falling down man in those yellow Cuidado! wet floor signs. Leslie once touched Beyoncé's elbow (so soft!) and her Grandpa Morty was a founding father of jogging.