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Follow these tips to craft an email so compelling that the recipient will carry out its every command.

Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner are the authors of the satirical self-improvement manual How to Win at Everything. Their exclusive series for the Daily Dot will teach you how to win at the only thing that matters: the Internet.

How to win at email

We live in a golden age of correspondence, when every email that flutters into your inbox is a thoughtfully worded expression of friendship/exclusive offer to trade money for girth-enhancing berries. Follow these tips to craft an email so compelling that the recipient will carry out its every command:

  • Start off with a riveting subject line, like “Urgent!” or “RE: Mom Death.”
  • To keep the body of your email brief, use internet abbreviations like LOL (“Laughing Out Loud”), ASAP (“As Slowly As Permitted”), or FGATSHDAKMBSC (“Finally Got Around To Seeing Hugo. Definitely A Kids’ Movie But Still Cool.”)

  • Employ persuasive words like “Please” and “If You Do Not Forward This Email to 5 People, A Girl Who Killed Herself Will Show Up in Your Mirror.”

 

  • USE ALL CAPS, like the Torah does.

  • Always close with a formal sign-off, like “Best,” “Regards,” or “Never mind, I’m calling you right now.”

 

Don’t get attached

Avoid downloading harmful attachments by learning what these common filetypes are:

  • .pdf: Pretty Dangerous File

  • .doc: This is a note from your doctor.

  • .mp3: Backwards-attachment sent at 3pm

  • .exe: This attachment was meant for an “Executive.” Install immediately for hot business tips!

  • .jpeg: Jarring Pornography, Extremely Graphic

A final tip: How to email anyone

If you don’t know the email address of the person you’re trying to reach, simply draw a picture of their face with your mouse and confidently hit “Send.”

Illustrations by Jason Reed and Max Fleishman

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